#it really sucks because i dont want to leave this job but ive truly never seen anything like this anywhere ive worked

[pessimisticprincess]

very very stressed out over work and how badly i’m handling my life

[strawberry-peach]

Ok I think im gonna dump all my feelings in here because i just dont have anyone to talk to and as much as the finale itself made me sad and a little bit upset, ive also seen comments that added to that and i just need to let this out somehow. if you happen to read this and dont agree... ok, fair, but just let me be please.

so yeah, by now i can admit that the finale was not great but also not awful. at first i accepted it and forced myself to be ok with it but then i just got angry and that doesnt feel good either. The thing is, i thought the beginning going thru Ted just glossing over his impending leaving with flat reactions and little to no talk about it felt strange, and i truly truly believed it meant he was either doubting his decision of something was up. As the ep progressed i started believeng more and more that he really didnt want to leave, and this is where i stand now. I really think he didnt want to leave all behind, and for a moment i thought they would do somethign about it, or maybe just imply a change of heart or the possibility of a turn around, doubts back in Kansas, the oportunity to go back to take his boy, anything. But he just left and that was it.

In the end, and as we know, Henry comes first. He always did. And I knew this and I actually love this, you know that I do. Ted and Henry's relationship was a priority for me too. So I fully understood his need to go back to his boy, his need to be with him, to be more present in the way he felt they both needed. The idea of his kid feeling left behind or abandoned probably haunted him as much as the idea of his kid leaving him. And both those things probably felt exponentially more likely with him living thousands of miles away.

The thing is that it broke my heart that he thought he had to leave everything else behind to fix that, that all the alternative options aviable to him, to them, the offer Rebecca made him for fucks sake, all of that was not worth trying. That him trying to keep some of all that happiness he had found was not worth it if it meant demanding a possible sacrifice from Henry's (and/or Michelle's) part. His new home was not worth keeping in the face of threatening the stability of Henry's.

I felt, in the end, that all of his flat reactions, his disconnectedness, his detachment, his emotional absence, his disregard of other's pleadings, his un-Tedness, whatever you want to call it, it all came down to him shutting his doors down in order to get through it. He went to the opposite of his usual coping mechanism. Because he felt he had to go back to Henry, no in-betweens, and he couldn't afford to be swayed to do anything but. He dropped everything, his newfound call, his success, his potential, his place of belonging, his friends, his new family, Beard himself ffs. All of it, there was nothing he wouldn't let go of if he had to in order to go back to his kid. Maybe he thought everyone would get over him soon enough, maybe he thought his job was done and that was enough for everyone, maybe he didn't allow himself to think of it or he would realize his decision could hurt people who cared for him. Thing is his own happiness outside of Henry was not worth it enough for him to ask for a middle ground, apparently. And that sucks.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but you know me, I love my faves more than I should and I love Ted with all my heart. So what the fuck do I know really?

Outside my heartache over Ted's finale, there are other things that I did not vibe with. For instance Beard staying with Jane. I was really really hoping that wouldn't be the case. But you know what, that weird ass cgi wedding looking like a fever dream gives me hope. It never happened.

Also Dutch guy? Of all the weird sloppy endings they could have given Rebecca, this one took the cake. What the actual fuck man? And the fact that she bumps into him like a fairytale meetcute right after she's wrecked by saying good bye to Ted? Just like that? Missed me with that. She deserved better than that. Do I mean Ted? Not necessarily, no, even though of all the options we had through the show, Ted was absolutely the best for her. But it just felt so taped on, like a last minute fix.

I also really wish we could have had more of Nate and Ted talking things out. I just think both of them deserved to let things out and reach proper closure. The things that went between them were important, they were worth being properly adressed. The pain they both went through because they care a lot for each other... Man. I appreciate that Nate made Ted listen to his apology at least, even if it was just that. Because I felt he was being his checked out self then and both Ted and Nate deserved to have that said out loud, so thank you Nate for that.

The weird Roy and Jamie thing? Yeah... I guess it was supposed to be a moment of levity? I don't know. I understand that it was a moment of regression for both of them, a step back of the work they had done through the season, it just felt a bit too close to the end, you know? Like had this had happened before we could have had a sense of it being worked out again, but now? It leaves me with the feeling that we are still very much in a volatile area. Especially after last ep? Idk, weird.

And finally, why was Jake still in the picture? That guy should have been gone long ago. I mean don't even get me started on all that crap, there are so many nos in that line of story. I just want him gone. Appreciate Henry's nonexistent rapport with him, love that he was so clearly done with the dude. That's my boy.

I think that's all the bad I can think of. It sounds like a lot and not that much at the same time. Like it's what five, six things, but some feel so so off. I loved the rest, as rushed as it felt for me, it was nice. Loved the match, loved the BELIEVE sign moment, loved Ted doing his little dance, loved Trent sharing his work and being so eager for feedback, loved Roy stepping into the Diamond Dogs and trying therapy, loved Keeley growing his bussines again, loved the callbacks (us-ie guy!), Isaac's penalty goal, Colling getting to kiss his fella, Thierry being Zorro, Nate and his box omg, the newly fixed BELIEVE sign! So so many things to love, but so much unfairness and bitterness too.

Anyway, I'll stop the ranting. I'm probably forgeting to mention something or missing a point here or there. This is just feelings vomit. And just saying that the last part, where so much of the what-the-fuck-ness is condensed, felt so fucking weird and out of left field, I am waiting for them to announce it was a joke, or a s4 or spinoff or special ep or that it was all Ted's dream in the plane... I'm waiting.

Do you hear me Jason&co? I am waiting.

[anonymousloveletters0]

I'm in love with my bestfriend, i have been since we met 3 yeras ago and there hasnt been a moment where i thought i wasnt in love and yeah sure theres been times when hes annoyed me or sligtly off-put me but i love him non the less and he makes me feel safe, he makes me feel human and like i belong and hes always took the time to make me feel loved in some way shape or form, i would trade the world for him and i know he'd do the same for me but who knows maybe he wont i mean he's yet to brake up with his girlfriend but i dont wanna be a bitch but like i mean i just really wish he was mine already it sucks and i have no idea when or if he will ever be with me and honestly out of the 2 people ive known for more then 2 or 3 years hes the only one i want to spend my life with or would feel safe spending every waking hour with even if were not together in a romantic way i just wish i could hold him and tell him how much he means to me and tell him how much i love him,tell him how gratful i am to have a friend like him and how i want to spend the rest of my life with him. When im 16 i want to run away with him that way im the legal age to get almost any job i need or can and im old enough to drive and legaly old enough to live on my own, even if i half to give up my family and leave eveything behind for him i would and i would do it as many times as it takes to have him next to me i love him in more than a platonic friendish or childish way, i love him more than words can could ever discibe , more than the world could ever know. He knows i love him, a couple days ago he asked me to list 20 reasons why we would make a good coiple and i could only list 5 and for whatever reason i hate myself for only being able to list 5 i know theres probably more reasons than that but my mind cant find the right reasons right now and i wiash i could show him this so that he could know how much he means to me and how much i long for him, his touch, his voice intertwined within mine, his hands cupped around my cheeks, his presence in the same rooms as mine, and i wish he could know how much he truly means to me and how much i long to be with him to be HIS to not half to wander if he actualy loves me or if he actualy cares for me in more than a platonic childish way and i know im re-peating myself rn and i know how cheesy this would sound if he ever read this. I'm not sure if ill ever show him this or if i will even live long enough to be in his presence, i just hope he feels the same way atleast a little bit and im so scared that if he ever sees this, if i ever tell him that he'll not feel the same way becasue ive never feared anything more than losing him because the day he leaves this earth is the day i will forveer lose myself. I know ive lost myself many times before and even rn im lost and im not sure when ill be back or if i ever will be but when i say ill lose myslef if i lose him i mean it in a diferent way, i mean it in the way you would describe the most fragile porcelain doll braking, in the way you would describe the braking of the tides in the ocean the way you would describe the braking of silence in a room full of deff people hearing for the first time, ok maybe that last one didnt make all that much since but to me it makes more since than anything else even if i dont understand what i mean. But all i'm trying to say is that i love you, i love you more than me or you could ever understand, more than anything in the intire god damn world whatever that means.10/15/2021

[jentlemahae]

@ that anon. Lisa is a foreign idol so she gets paid less than the other pinks. It’s not about favouritsm its about money so ofc she takes on more jobs?? The other pinks are ambassadors to huge fashion houses, jennie has so many korean brand deals, jisoo is ofc working on her drama and rosé just released her solo a few months ago and has her tiffany endorsements and is doing her own thing with her covers. Yg does suck but i think its unfair to say they favour Lisa especially with this solo. Rosie had pretty much the same amount of promotion as Lisa a long with her performing a song on the show. But if they are doing more its only a little bit and it makes sense, lisa is the most popular pink internationally ofc they want to make as much money as possible. As for them leaving yg i don’t think its as likely as a lot of people think. Im sure theyre making bank under yg and because yg has such strong relationships with these brands (example chanel - CL and GD were ambassadors at one point) i dont think jennie would have become an ambassador without yg and same goes for the rest. Musically they arent releasing as much but when you look at other aspects theyre doing incredibly well. The only person i can truly see leaving is rosé simply on the grounds of wanting to be able to release more music but other than that they seem super comfortable under yg. (So sorry this is super long)

anon uhhhhhh no ? i really dont think the girls are comfortable being under yg lol like they are not allowed to release music nor do anything unsupervised and the company doesn’t protect them like ever so lol i am pretty positive that they dont like that company and want to go + i am more confident rosie will leave and im uncertain about lisoo but imo jennie wants to leave and will if rosie goes too since yg has done nothing for her (and the chanel endorsement is a chanel endorsement not a jennie endorsement so its not like it such an amazing and fruitful thing for her lol)

and as for lisa - ive always said yg hates all of them and no one is the favourite so dw i dont think that lol but this being said - lisa is getting better prerelease promo than rosie so i can see where the anon is coming from ig and uhhh she’s definitely never been the least promoted member, that’s all

[themeed]

damn allowed myself to want things for a day and all i want is a van to live in, knowledge, freedom, weight loss, and a bass guitar.

im. happy with that i think. im proud of me, no jokes. im proud of being able to want things and care about them and vibrate towards them with longing. im... pleased with that. its fulfilling in a way Not Wanting For Anything isnt, because thats... kinda hollow. empty. in a vacant, lonely, yearning and grieving and SAD way. maybe because i Couldnt Want then. i Couldnt Desire or it would be used against me or taken away. that sucks. that sucked.

and now. im free to want again. and comparatively???? i think im very much never going to aim for buddhism or that weird Not Desiring Not Attached Nirvana mindset. like good for u but been there out of trauma and its not fun theres no reason to truly Live. u just float endlessly and experience and it aches so badly!!!! it hurts to want to want and not be able to. and i guess that is different from not wanting at all but... its not different enough for me to justify ever going back to that. or going forward to that. i just got this back and screw enlightenment if it means i have to give up on my passions i dont think life is worth living without it.

and anybody who looks down on that from a spiritual tower has yet to examine their own pride and how empty they feel without it.

anybody who looks down and smiles and wishes me luck on my journey? good for them. im glad theyre living their best life, on their journey as they see fit.

and i feel the need to protect myself because ive been hurt by the pride- the arrogance of others before. a lot of my hurts and traumas stem from my mother being too prideful to recognize that she can be wrong and someone under her power could be correct over her. and it was an uncomfortable truth. so she denied it was one at all and hurt me. i know the reason could be elaborated on. she didnt want to confront her own internal logic. or trauma. or even doublethink. that doesnt excuse her hurting a child for the sake of her sense of pride, of comfort, of self-worth. a child under her power, that she claimed to be parent of. teacher of.

not owing anyone anything is not the same as not hurting anyone. i havent reconciled that yet. oppressors should be held accountable for their mistakes, and give reparations if the harm is physical at LEAST. and i think that applies to politics, yes. privately though? if i beat up a nazi, i dont want to pay for his hospital bills. my personal philosophy struggles between equating people and ideas as a worth measurement, and realizing that that line of thinking is... similar to oppressors. but. its based on something people can change. the question is, do i think "if given the opportunity" is a good enough reason to stop and question a racist that runs their mouth? and do i think pre-emptive violence is okay? if say, a nazi walks into a bar and doesnt say anything but is wearing all the red flags and bells and whistles. i dont think that justifies a beatdown. being asked to leave, sure, but the beatdown doesnt start til the first remark flies.

once the intent is given OR the action is taken, the line is drawn. doesnt matter if they Havent Had The Chance. if theyre starting shit outside of debate spaces like that, and not, say, asking questions, theyre not looking for new perspectives, and it is NOT my job to educate people. its not my job to Show People The Light. a quick fucking google search could tell them why theyre wrong. if they havent put even the most basic energy into questioning their beliefs, thats on them.

it sounds like im trying to absolve myself of blame here. largely because. i think i should go out and help educate people because theyre inherently complacent if theyre, yknow, in a position of power. aka white folk and men and rich folk and cis folk and on and on and on. these people dont live my reality. they dont live the reality of a gay black man in the south, or a genderqueer lesbian in the west, or an indigenous woman whose nation is being targeted, or a muslim woman who cannot wear her headcoverings in the face of danger of death, or an asian immigrant who cant get a job because of COVD age discrimination resurging. we will never live each others realities, but we can become aware of them.

they wont come into awareness without someone asking or telling, and then doing something to change them.

we shouldnt need to go running to people in power for them to be aware of problems in the populace, govt is supposed to help and solve issues like this. like. actively. thats the whole point, make life better for the countrys citizens. and individuals in a position of social power...

are individuals who didnt take on a responsibility to protect and serve or otherwise care for the populace of a nation. i personally think they SHOULD care, but they are not obligated to. i cant make them care about others.

and honestly, on some of them, it would be a waste of time. there are people who want to change or question things and yknow what? they seek out answers. in people or places or online usually. stats and stories.

so like. i dont think someones Potential as a person matters when theres a throwdown about to happen. it really isnt my responsibility to save people from themselves or try to change their sides against their will. if they want to chat about it they can ask questions first.

not throw insults or punches or hatred.

what people have been taught is worth analyzing and trying to correct IN SOCIETY but i cant fix every broken white boy that comes to me. PSAs, fliers, outreach, online videos, debate spaces. those are things i already have access to and can be a part of if i really want to go around changing minds. or yknow. get involved in legislation and be myself around others to change their perceptions of whats socially acceptable or normal. maybe protest, maybe call congressfolk, etc.

but not every comment has to be analyzed or a learning opportunity. im allowed to shut it down, and people can respect that or stop talking to me. this isnt my parents house where i had to justify everything that i said or did when scrutinized, and doubly justify any criticism i had of mother, or any joke i frowned at instead of smiling.

these people dont have that power over me. they arent my mother. they arent my boss, and if they are i can fuck off and get a new job if necessary. they dont have financial control over my living space and food and schooling and physical control of where i can go and with who and for how long. I CONTROL THAT. I do.

Huh. maybe thats why i want a van so bad. i mean... when this lease ends if nobody is gonna end up living with me...

i could just... live in my car and shower at truck stops. get a storage unit for my stuff. save by driving jobs. like 40 to 60 a day. tear out my cars back, insulate it, and install my mattress pad there. water on the floor, cooler next to it, wooden cutting coard, knife, single camping plateware set, and another little shelf for spices. maybe a hot plate i can hook up to the car battery? get a long enough usb and it might be doable. i could go camping and open the trunk to just... vibe.

because yeah, honestly? i dont plan on having a solid apartment for a bit. like a long bit. and i still have like 70000 miles on my car before itll want to go. and by that point, even at like 100 miles a day, thats like 2 years, less if i go cross country in that vehicle. i could save up SO MUCH for a better vehicle, or like. college. live on campus, get some credit, continue working after i figure out want i want to do.

i think thats a solid plan, even if i dont get another apartment and put everything in storage. work as i need to instead of all the time for rent, really only paying for gas, car repairs, car ins, food, and phone data/hotspot internet... that would bring my monthly expenses down to like 500 a month max instead of like 1400. id only need to make some 1000 a month doing contract stuff to save for taxes and stuff. anything extra would be just that: extra for savings and things. holy shit.

depending on how this next month goes for my friends, holy s h i t.

i. i might do this. legitimately.

i. dont think i can yet. i need proof of address to get my license im pretty sure? but hey, thatll be my 21st this year, so. once i have that i wont need a new address for a While. i dont know if ill want one, really.

i could always just ask a friend or family member if i could use theirs for mail that cant go to a PO box.

anyway. yeah. wow.

[angrylizardjacket]

time’s arrow {Roger Taylor}

Anon asked: Hi, I love your roger/ben imagines so much and was wondering if you could do some angst with Roger x female, maybe they are good friends and she sees him with another. Whatever you would like! Thank you x :)

A/N: 2727 words. A story told through Seasons. I took a little bit of liberties with the prompt, if that’s okay? This hit me like a lightning bolt and I had to write it. Angst with a happy ending. (I’m just trying to show I’ve got versatility in writing, okay?)

Warnings: Implied sex.

You meet him in Spring, before it all begins, he sits up the back of your Intro to Head and Neck Anatomy lectures, the only class with open spots available by the time you were looking for a science credit. You find out he’s in a band three weeks into the first class, finally going to the local bar, sick of cramming your brain full of information you’re not even sure is necessary for your degree. He grins at you and wow okay, you didn’t even think he’d recognise you.

“You’re in, um,” he’s leaning against the bar next to you in this dimly lit pub, grabbing a drink between sets. Faltering for a moment, his eyes travel down before you clear your throat, angry at yourself for blushing, but his smile widens, “my class.” He finishes, taking a sip of his beer. You agree, rolling your eyes at him, but even that seems to amuse him. He asks your name. The guitarist is calling him over, setting up for the next set, but you tell him before he leaves. Something tightens in your chest when, later that night, he catches your eyes mid-song, his look of intense focus shifting for a moment as he grins, giving you a wink.

He takes to sitting next to you in lectures, chewing the end of his pencil and taking occasional notes in a falling apart notebook that looks as though he uses it for every class. You catch lyrics in the margins and at the bottom of some pages, but he’s cagey about that in a strange way, just says you’ll have to come to a gig to find out what they’re about. So you do.

Gigs become a regular for you, and you start to become friends with the girls who frequent the shows, often hosting predrinks in your dorm room for Mary and her friends on a Friday night. You learn on one of those nights that at least two of the girls have hooked up with him, and there’s a strange, sinking sensation in your chest. You’re not sad, or at least, you tell yourself you shouldn’t be. You and Roger are just friends, it’s not like there’s anything going on there, sure, sometimes after a really good show he’ll give you a pash, but it’s- that’s just him. 

It’s not like you’ve never thought about it, but you also know his reputation, and that it’ll do more harm than good to get involved with that. He’s the one mistake you don’t think you want to make.

It’s Summer, a few years later, when they trade in the van to get money to hire the recording studio. Roger had really loved that van, and he lay on your sofa for a solid hour grumbling about it, about how Freddie had some kind of nerve. You roll your eyes at him, call him a drama queen, which he takes offence to, but moves obligingly when you sit down, letting him rest his head in your lap.

When you raise the point that it might be worth it, he looks frankly aghast, griping about how he has to catch lifts everywhere now. He calms down somewhat when you start carding your fingers through his hair, though he still pouts.

“If it comes to it, I’ll buy you a car, you baby.” You snort, despite the fact that you’re currently barely making a living wage on some retail job, it’s not where you’d thought you’d be after university, but sometimes that’s just how it is. He looks up at you, and when you look down at him, he’s looking very intense. Perhaps he might say something poignant about your offer, you think, but instead he reaches up and pokes your nose.

“I can see up your nostrils.” He tells you, and you smack his hand away, scowling. You stand abruptly, ignoring his complaints, smoothing your pants out against your thighs.

“Come on,” you offer your hand, which he regards with both confusion and a bit of disdain, “you can’t mope around my apartment and complain about the band again. We’re going out.” That gets his interest.

You’ve been to bars with him before, and usually you go home alone while he gets the pick of the prettiest girls of the night, or he decides to wingman you, which hurts your heart a little, but you won’t decline. You were attractive in your own right, you won’t deny that, you didn’t technically need his help, but a selfish part of you likes the way the attention to you, even if it’s to help you get with other people.

Tonight is different, tonight he doesn’t leave your side, he slings an arm around you as the two of you stand by the bar watching the truly mediocre band they had on that night. 

“You know why they aren’t recording an album?” You ask as the set ends.

“Because they didn’t sell their van?” Roger mused, vaguely bitter, but not melancholy as he swirled the last of his drink in his free hand.

“No, it’s because they’re terrible.” Turning, you smile at your own blunt remark, and when he looks back at you, he’s grinning with a little disbelief. There’s very little space between the two of you, but that doesn’t make your heart race anymore, he’s your best friend, close contact was part of the bargain. But he kissed you, quickly, without warning, and when he pulls back, he turns away to order another drink like nothing had happened.

Your mind is spiralling, this isn’t post-gig excitement, this wasn’t something you were expecting. The selfish creature in your chest that you tried to deny for so long was crowing with victory. Taking a quick look around the bar, you don’t recognise anyone, though there are a few girls who look like they’d be his type- but his hand is moving to wrap around your waist as he turns back.

“What was that?” Voice quiet, you take his drink and have a sip of it yourself, the movement done from muscle memory alone. He raises his eyebrows at you, not regarding the drink, that was a usual occurrence, but at the question. He doesn’t seem to know how to answer, baffled at the question. Dropping you gaze, you take a sip of your own drink. “Why me? Why tonight?” You asked. Looking incredulous, he stepped back, looking you over.

“Have you seen yourself tonight, love? Couldn’t help myself.” You’ve heard him talk like this before, to other girls, not as blunt, but with you he can get away with it. The creature in your chest is elated, and you find yourself smiling, actually blushing. He moves closer once more, his arm around you, voice low as he spoke into your ear. “Trust me, you look very fit tonight, any man would be lucky to have a crack at you.” Heart in your throat, you hope you’re reading the situation right, at the same time ignoring the part of you that knew this was a bad idea.

“Even you?” You turned to face him, watching the way his smile shifted to a smirk, and he pulled you a little closer.

“You know I’m always feeling lucky.” 

You kiss him, feeling your blood thumping in your veins, selfish and excited in equal measure, but with his hands on you, you can’t find the focus to care about the former. 

Once the bad starts up again, Roger pulls away, making a face at them, asking if you wanted to get out of there. You do, and the two of you are elated on the quick walk back to his apartment, stopping only when he pressed you up against the wall of an closed shop to suck a hickey into the skin of your neck. You catch sight of it in his bedroom mirror, but he’s pulling off your jacket and you have better things to worry about.

It’s not weird, like you thought it would be, when you wake the next morning and he’s curled up, fast asleep with his back to you, but your chest aches just a little. He avoids eye contact over breakfast, though you chat like normal. The gripes about his van have died down, though he makes an offhand comment about things are changing that you read enough into to realise what had happened.

“You’ll always have me, Rog.” You reach across the table to take his hand, and he finally looks you in the eye, he looks so relieved, not that he’d ever say it. Afraid of losing another thing he cared about, he had panicked last night and tried to keep you close in the only way he knew how. He certainly loved you, but not in the way you wanted him to. Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, you give him a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. It’s not his fault.

Bohemian Rhapsody airs in Autumn, you’re regional manager now, and you’re sitting in your office when you hear for the first time; you almost scream when the first harmony comes in after the radio host introduces the song.

“You’re a star, Rog!” You gush over the phone on your break, unable to wait until that night when the band was having a celebratory get-together to talk to him.

“Of course, I am, you think I sing that high to be paid in peanuts?” You can hear the smile in his words without even seeing him, and being able to hear his voice warms your heart.

“That was you?” You laugh, the ‘Galileo's playing back in your head, and you try to picture him singing it, which only made you laugh harder.

“Oi,” he bristled, indignant at your laughter, “I’m the only one with the range to execute Freddie’s vision.” You could see him in your mind now, proud and stubborn, standing tall to defend the decision.

“I’m proud of you.” Suddenly sincere, you find your smile turning to something more genuine as you think back on far he’s come.

“Thank you.” His own voice has become less animated, more sincere, though you can still hear him smiling.

“Love you, Rog.” You tell him, just as you always did when you parted ways.

“I’ll see you tonight.”

He’s grinning, draped with casual confidence in an armchair in Freddie’s living room when you arrive, and you feel like you’ve been taken back five years, the casual enthusiasm he’s exerting. Smile brightening, he stands when he sees you, striding across the room to enfold you in a hug.

“Good to see you!” He practically beams at you, holding your shoulders as he looks over you, as if assessing you, seeing if anything has changed.

“Of course, you’ve been holed up for weeks, I wouldn’t miss this for the world!” Though he’s in front of you, you’re words address the room as a whole, and when he steps back, Brian moves in to hug you as well, asking how you’ve been.

The boys are your friends, all of them, you’ve been around for most of their big band moments, and it eases something in your chest to be here for this one too. But then the ease sharply tightens as a woman you’ve never seen before sits on the arm of Roger’s chair, and he rests a hand on her thigh, smiling up at her.

Mary follows your gaze, and her smile is sad as she pulls you down to sit beside her, asking you about your thoughts on the single. You answer, though your heart’s not in it, and the selfish creature in your chest rears it’s ugly head after such a long slumber. 

The monster has shifted, changed and grown, it hadn’t cared about him running around with any pretty girl he could find for the past few years, but this was different. Roger had made it clear that he was far from sacred, but this was the band, this was Freddie’s home, this was the place of some of your happiest memories; this was yours. 

You stay well into the early hours of the following morning, despite the interloper, but Roger still stopped you at the door.

“I’m really glad you could make it, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” He’s smiling at you, but you don’t smile back. It’s been a long night of being kind and pretending that you’re heart didn’t hurt.

“Well, you’ve very busy.” You shrug, punctuating it with a yawn. His expression turns confused, and you open the door.

“Y/N.” He tried to get your attention, but you left, throwing a goodbye over your shoulder to him. “Love you.” He calls through the door, but you stay quiet, refuse to say it back, just keep walking. You’re too tired to be upset, but maybe you’ll get there tomorrow.

Things change, and you’ve grown to accept that, but sometimes old aches don’t heal like they should. Or at all.

“I’m getting married.” He calls you at the end of Winter.

“Oh.”

“Oh?” 

Your relationship’s been on the mend in the years since the Bohemian Rhapsody launch night. You two smile and laugh like you had when you were younger, and you’ve learned to listen to his exploits and his gripes about women, offering your own about your partners, though they’re few and far between. He’s still your best friend, and you learn to act like it. 

“Congratulations.” Your voice is flat. It had been a shock, you’d heard about his latest on-again off-again girlfriend, and had even offered advice in certain situations, actual advice, no malice at all.

“Thanks.” He doesn’t seem to know where to go from here, and silence stretches out between the two of you.

“I should go.” You finally murmur.

“What? Why?” He spluttered, and you sighed deeply.

“Was there something else you wanted to talk about?” You asked, closing your eyes and leaning your forehead against the wall.

“I- no, but I want you to be there.” He paused. “And I wanted to be the one to tell you.” Clenching your jaw, you make a snap decision.

“I can’t-”

“Why not?” He actually sounded angry, which was perhaps warranted, though your next words shut him up.

“Because it hurts, Roger.” After a beat, your voice is quiet. “Because I love you.” Taking a breath, you let yourself relax. “I want you to be happy, but I can’t watch you marry someone else.” There’s silence for a very long moment, but you hang up before he can respond. You take the phone off the hook. You need to be alone, just for now.

“After everything, you still-?” It’s the first day of Spring, and he’s on your doorstep, seemingly unable to say the word love. You’re wearing your pyjamas and he looks like he’s just walked out of a Rolling Stone cover shoot, though he just sort of looks like that now, you supposed.

“Don’t worry about it.” You try not to betray how much his visit shocked you, or the way his very presence after your recent conversation hurt you.

“You’re my best friend! Of course I’m gonna worry about it!” He threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. Sighing deeply, he stepped forward. “I thought I fucked everything up when we hooked up, I’m sorry, I panicked.” He was looking at his fidgeting hands, rather than your surprised expression. “And then... I thought I fucked it up again when I chose the band over you.”

“You never-” You tried to protest, but he smiled self-deprecatingly.

“No, I did. I loved you, and I thought that would get in the way of the band.” Clenching his jaw, he looked up and you could see the regret in his eyes. “It was easier to fuck around that tell you I love you.” Your breath stopped in your throat as he finally walked closer. “And I thought after everything, that you deserved better; you know what I’m like, why would you-?” But you cut him off with a kiss.

“You’ll always have me.” You murmured, finally letting yourself smile. Nothing about it felt selfish, in fact, it felt as though the sun was finally shining on you, warming you from the inside out.

“I know,” he agreed quietly, wrapping you up in a hug.

[something-tofightfor]

The Punisher Season 2: Episodes 1-5

My reactions as I watched these episodes: 

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. I literally tagged it four different ways for spoilers so if you read them after this it’s your own damn fault. 

1: Roadhouse Blues HE IS IN BED WITH A WOMAN THINKING OF KAREN WHAT THE FUCK “Take the good when it comes” AND HES THINKING OF BILLY ALONG WITH THE KIDS MY FUCKING MIND IS BLOWN Frank is so comfortable around kids. This is going to end horribly. He’s gonna go back to this bar and all hell is going to break loose. Frank with blood dripping out of his nose is a MOOD Bathroom fight = Bar fight... not even an episode in and he’s already shot. Sucks to be you Beth. MADANI. Drinking at the foot of Billy’s bed. “Sweet dreams asshole” IVE MISSED THOSE EYES. 

2: Fight or Flight Oh look they’re in Ohio. PLEASE OH PLEASE LET HIM SAY RACHEL BECAUSE HEARING JON BERNTHAL GRUNT MY NAME WOULD BE HEAVEN Aaaaaaand there’s his ass HE IS DIGGING A BULLET OUT OF HIS ASS AND NOW SHE IS YIKES And now he’s grunting “get it” - I CANT. She’s lying. She’s a liar. Lying. And he knows it. He’s gonna be pissed when he realizes how young she is but she’s now ziptied to the bed - and now he’s duct taping her mouth shut this is wonderful and i hope it stays this way for 11 more episodes MADANI IS A GODDAMN MESS Broken Billy is going to be a problem for me. And at this point I feel like he genuinely doesn’t remember. Beth is lying for Frank. Interesting. ....  nevermind HE JUST SAID MY NAME .... you did have to get involved didn’t you, Frank. I DO like this girl calling him out though .... back to the tape and zip ties. My god billy is so anxious about his face he turns to the side to take his medication. the last thing he remembers is fucking being in the barracks. “Frank was your friend?” “My brother” OH MY GOD His memory is only there for a few minutes at a time. GODDAMN. Pilgrim doesn’t want to hear swearing... hmmmmmm - he’s connected to this girl in a more meaningful way than i thought before. HI RAFI. I AGREE WITH YOU. Madani is convinced that billy is faking. LET IT GO this girl is pointing a gun at frank. Yeah that’s not going to end well Oh look he killed a bunch of people and then ended up arrested .... Rachel, you’re.... a fucking horrible liar ... FRANK IN A DRUG RUG DINAH DREAMING ABOUT BILLY ON TOP OF HER AND NAKED - SAME MADANI SAME. that fucking little smirk. OH MY GOD “They died from terminal stupidity” 

3: Trouble the Water hello, Beverly Marsh. I see you in this creepy ass cult. The cadence of Pilgrim’s voice is both soothing and unsettling at the same time, how is this possible? So pilgrim is covered in faded white supremacy tattoos. That’s.... interesting. Frank is trying to warn these people. They should listen. Billy is avoiding sleep. His mannerisms are making me really nervous. He’s doing a good job. Holy shit he just handed those cops their asses. Why is Dumont limping BYE BILLY . Gif ... is.... Pilgrim trying to prove his faith to save his wife? Madani in a big friggin hurry to prove she was right, acting concerned - she still doesn’t get it Unless he’s truly playing them all LMAO DUMONT CALLING MADANI OUT ABOUT NOT KNOWING HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION hi, brett! Good to see you! Madani stole the journal. Hmmm As always frank is the most aware person in the room and he still has no idea what’s going on Ogden’s gonna die. Nice knowing you kid. Picking them off one by one by one... this cult is full of snipers “Sweet boneless Jesus” is my new statement Oh the girl finally did something useful Police station shootout is actually pretty intense Ogden literally got shot in the stomach and still wants to help. That’s how we DO IT in Ohio Marlena is a bitch, but she is focused on frank. This very quickly became personal for her. .... oh. Frank castle literally set two men on fire with one bullet. My fucking hero Him sprinting around in this forest is incredible he’s like a murder gazelle Dinah shows up at the exact right time to save frank and to tell him that Billy broke out of the hospital... guess it’s time to go back to New York. WHAT IS ON THESE ANCIENT ASS FILM ROLLS?!?! who even uses film  cameras anymore 4: Scar Tissue I NEED TO SEE BILLY RUSSO IN THIS I GOT A BIG DICK T SHIRT Ok but where are you going IN YOUR SOCKS, sir? HI HELLO I SEE YOU IN THOSE GLASSES Madani still chewing her aspirin i see   Two locks on her bedroom door, madani is scared This crazy bitch is sleeping under the bed ... nevermind she’s crying not sleeping IM SO SAD HE PUT THE GODDAMN SHIRT ON INSIDE OUT Holy fuck the look on his face and in his eyes when he sees himself for the first time before the injuries. Oh my god oh my god Floriana Lima sucks. Billy went 6 months without decorating the mask. His eyes are so expressive goddamn Frank and Madani hate each other 6 week coma.... facial reconstruction... Billy was biding his time. Madani with his bloody punisher vest casually in her closet, ok. HI CURTIS. i see you’re better prepared Curtis believes Billy doesn’t remember. And he was listed as Billy’s next of kin... heartbreaking. Curtis is describing Billy and Frank with this single conversation. Interesting. Holy shit is he back at the group home?! Casual billy in jeans and a beanie.... yesssss WAIT ITS A FLASHBACK OH HELL YES BUT WHOSE FLASHBACK IS IT Moments of sleep... the mask... Oh fuck. Billy’s going to kill the dude that hurt him Oh fuck oh fuck Finally this dumb girl is opening up. And Frank just decided to keep himself inserted in this, but there’s never really been a choice for him I guess. Billy went to the group home and it was gone and thats the only place he had to go. Jesus, they’re really making you feel for him. He had nowhere and no one to go to so he went to his GODDAMN ABUSER. “You were a good looking kid. It’s a damn shame” FUCK HIM UP BILLY DONT YOU TAKE THAT SHIT Amy’s expression while listening to Madani and Frank 🤣🤣🤣 Oh this motherfucker just poked him in the chest and is bragging about what he did. COME ON BILLY KILL HIM Amy figuring out who frank is and what he did... hmmmmm Madani showing up at the house like a psychopath HOLY SHIT HE STABBED HIM IN THE CHEST WITH A MOP HANDLE ..... fuck. I swear if she takes advantage of him I’m going to scream Billy knows that he deserves what’s happened to him, but not WHY. That’s big. She’s suggesting redemption. ... he wants to see the best version of himself again. He wants to fix things. And i think he’s serious. I’m very conflicted 

5: One-Eyed Jacks Stack the deck - gotta be the dealer... good advice frank. Hi, Turk! Setting up a meeting.... interesting angle frank. Madani is having a nightmare at the same time billy is actually sleeping. Interesting. WHO SLEEPS IN A SILK NIGHTGOWN LIKE THAT madani is seeing billy without scars in her nightmares and sleeping with s gun under her pillow. “I don’t want to feel it, I want to kill it” ... She’s helping him, but i don’t know WHY. And i want to trust her but i just CANT Billy Russo just said “please” and “thank you” in the same conversation... and meant it. WHAT ARE THESE SCARS ON HER ARMS Frank agrees that Billy was right to kill Arthur. Ok back to the creepy cult Leave your dad alone, kid... he’s a little busy Oh frank is going to kill every single person in this gym. I could have done without the  Amy-splurging montage... unless she bought something worthwhile. NOT A DRILL BILLY FUCKING RUSSO IN A TOWEL holy hell is he ripped. I literally had to watch this scene like 4 times because i know it’s important but i couldn’t focus The snake and the rebirth idea is really interesting to me. “The sick are transformed by the healer’s art” .... she’s trying to transform billy. She’s trying to cleanse him... but for what purpose? Madani with Curtis. This is good. Maybe he can help her. Nevermind they’re lying to each other about frank. Madani opening up in the group.... interesting. She feels her life is ruined. Billy and this airman getting drunk is the buddy comedy i didn’t know i needed ... here comes the gym YIKES THAT DUDES FACE These people taking selfies in the bar... Billy’s going to get his photo taken He’s just trying to reconnect with another military man. I didn’t even think about that before   SWEAR TO GOD IF BILLY STARTS DOING COKE INTERESTING. He knows who billy is. Krista is horrified of heights.... interesting as hell. So she’s just as fucked as billy Ah fuck. Pilgrim is in New York.

[swellwriting]

A Silent Devotee Part Six - Light within Darkness

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Warnings: This chapter contains smut ( and its sweet soft first time exploring shit which needs a warning of its own) ! 

A/N: i wrote a line in here thats a nod to my fav marauders so if you notice it and it personally attacks you I’m sorry but also please tell me lmao !!! <3

Word count 2.5 k    Series Masterlist   Part Seven

After that kiss between you and Draco not much else happened, you continued to sit by the lake. You laid your head on his lap, one of his hands brushed through your hair while you fiddled with his other, tracing lines and examining his fingers and palm.

You talked until it got dark outside and you had to go back in, you didn’t talk about the serious stuff like where your relationship was going or his death eater plans, you decided to live with him there in that moment and for that snippet of time everything felt okay.

You would have stayed outside all night if you knew how much things where about to change. Draco tried his hardest to remember everything about that night, it gave him hope of what a future with you could potentially look like, peaceful, carefree and loving. If he needed something, or someone to fight for that was it.

The next day as you made your way back from the library after studying with your friends you ran into Dumbledore, someone you had never really spoken to before.

“So I see Mr. Malfoy found his Fwooper.” Dumbledore spoke without even saying hello or stopping in front of you, he continued walking down the hall but you needed answers so you walked up beside him.

“What did you say?” You weren’t sure if you had heard him right.

“Don’t worry I won’t tell, some of my favourite students had Animagi secrets like you, they used it for good like you as well, to help a friend in need of coarse.” Dumbledore revealed so much information and simultaneously none at all.

“What do you mean helping a friend, Headmaster I’m a bit confused as to what you are talking about.” You questioned as he sat down on a bench in the empty hallway motioning for you to join him.

“Y/n dear, I know more and see more than people think, me and you have never spoken much before because you never needed guidance or reassurance like some students do. I did take notice to you, you were well liked for all the right reasons, non-judgmental, you have a passion for learning in which some students lack, you will be a great witch someday.”

“Thank you, but now I need guidance?” You questioned to where he was going with this.

“Well, not too long ago Draco showed up in my office to find out about a Fwooper bird, which I had assumed to be following him around, I know Draco doesn’t have the best path lied in front of him so I looked furthur into it. But not too long later I see him walking through the halls with none other than you, which I can only assume his follower was you and taking into account who I know you to be as a person and student, You, well what I’m trying to say is you don’t seem to be black mailing him, you have good intent.” Dumbledore tried to explain which made you question how much he knew about Draco.

“I don’t want to hurt anybody.” You confessed.

“Of course not, and that’s why you were the perfect person to stumble upon Draco in his time of need, but in a war like the one that’s slowly brewing, people are going to get hurt and die. I’m not saying it’s your job to keep Draco safe but being there for him will make such a difference. It’s not much to assume that with his father in Azkaban and the way he was acting like he had something to hide that he’s having to…fill his father’s shoes per say. In the end there are plans bigger than you may know, but what you do have to know is Draco is faced with darkness and you are everything light and good, he needs you to be there for him for there are decisions and actions he may have to do, and it is important that he does.” Dumbledore just dumped so much info onto you at once in his backwards way and you tried to process it, but when you looked up to question him further he was gone.

You were left confused, as if somehow Dumbledore knew something you didn’t, but how could he? You made your way back to Draco’s room to go see him but when you arrived at the Slytherin common room you were blocked by Pansy.

“You’re not a slytherin you can’t come in.” Pansy stood with her arms crossed in front of you.

“I don’t want to come in, can you just go get Draco for me?” You asked seeing as she was the only one around.

“Why would I do anything for you? Besides he’s not even here.” She spoke pushing her nose up in the air.

“I don’t have time to deal with you, whether he truly is here or not, your infuriating to be around.” You said with precision wiping that smirk off her face as you walked away. It wasn’t normal for you to be mean to people but Pansy deserved it.

You walked through the hallways back towards your own common room but as you passed a hallway you saw Draco walking at a fast pace. You ran to catch up to him and wrapped your arms around him from behind, he jumped but when he realized it was you he relaxed his shoulders and gently held your arms with his hands.

You turned around him to see he looked stressed and his wand was in his hands, something you noticed he did when he was scared although he’d never admit it.

“What are you doing?” You rubbed your thumbs across his cheeks feeling his skin, he closed his eyes contently at the small contact.

“Nothing, I’m just… nothing.” He said, although he was clearly lying.

“Well why would you look so stressed out over nothing.” You said wrapping your arms around his waist as he did the same, holding each other close.

“I just can’t really talk about it, I’m sorry I-” You interrupted him with a kiss which took him by surprise, he didn’t get the chance to kiss back before you pulled away.

“I won’t push you for answers, those done matter to me, you do.” You said sweetly.

“Merlin, I’d be so lost without you.” He rested his head on yours while he spoke, waiting for you to speak again before he could kiss you.

“Well then call me your map.” You giggled at your lame joke making him smile.

“I’d rather call you something else.” He almost whispered to you.

“Mhm? Like what?” You questioned hoping you knew where he was going.

“I don’t know, maybe my girlfriend?” He asked timidly, like you hadn’t just kissed him minutes ago, like the way you were holding him right now was in a friendly manner.

“Well I do like the ring of that.” You laughed, kissing him again it was short and sweet since you pulled away quickly but Draco had no plan of pulling away, he continued leaning into the kiss and your lips not being there made him pout.

“My own Girlfriend won’t even kiss me.” He teased.

“I just did you fool, I just don’t want to kiss you more here.” You motioned to the hallway that was mostly empty but Draco looked behind him to see the room of requirement, remembering what he was just doing in there and silently agreed that he wanted to get away from here.

He took your hand and walked at a fast pace to the empty astronomy tower.

“We are just as likely to get caught here Draco.” You said as you rested your elbows on the brick, looking up to the stars.

“Well at least we can hear them coming up the stairs, gives us time to stop snogging and act innocent, there are no rules about being up here.” Draco spoke like he had thought this over, to which he had, falling asleep many nights just thinking about this.

“Okay then, tell me about the constellations then.” You said motioning towards the many that lit up the sky.

“Well I don’t know any that you don’t know, we took the same astrology class Y/n.” He said wrapping his arms around your waist from behind you resting his chin atop your shoulder.

“What? You mean to tell me, Mr. Fancy Rich Malfoy didn’t have an expensive telescope to look through growing up?” You teased, making him supress his laugh in your shoulder.

“Well we did actually, but it was more of a decoration.” He admitted.

“Well you will just have to teach me something else then.” You said with a suggestive smile on your face, you turned to face him capturing his lips in a deep kiss, you placed your hands on the sides of his face and he eagerly pulled your body flush to his.

You kissed down his cheek and down his neck gently sucking and nipping at the skin, you didn’t break contact from his neck while you pushed him down to straddle his lap, your knees hitting the cold concrete underneath the two of you.

“Oh, well, I can’t teach you much about that either” he struggled to say while you continued to kiss his neck, scared to admit how little experience he truly had with this sort of stuff.

“That’s okay, I don’t have any experience either, a lot of people like me but not enough to ask me to Hogsmead or anything?” You admitted, this whole relationship thing was completely new to you.

“You’ve never been on a date to Hogsmead?” Draco asked making a shocked face. “People didn’t like me but I still got asked to Hogsmead many times.”

“Wow thanks Draco that makes me feel so great.” You said sarcastically “Tell me more about all these girls that you snogged and bought candy at Honey Dukes, really I do love it.” You continued to joke, not in a jealous way just making fun of him really.

“No, I only ever went a few times but they all bored me or annoyed me, you’re the first person I ever kissed Y/n, you’re the only person I’ve ever felt like this with.” He admitted placing a tender kiss on your forehead.

“I get to be Draco Malfoys first kiss?” You aked pretending to sound astonished at the news.

“You can be a couple other firsts if you’d like.” He said now kissing your neck and down your collar bone.

________________Smut starts below this line____________________

“How about more than a couple.” You said holding back a moan as he sucked hard on the base of your neck, likely leaving a mark.

“We better get started then.” He said seductively as he swiftly lifted your shirt over your head, your lips met in a searing kiss moving effortlessly together, tongues moving to each other’s mouths sloppily kissing like you had seen others do, just learning the motions.

His hands made their way to your bra fumbling to undo the back for a second before revealing your bare chest to the cold night air making your nipples perk up.

Draco pulled away from the kiss making you let out a noise of protest as he admired your chest, his pants tightening at just the sight of you, he reached out his hands looking up to your eyes again as you nodded giving him permission to caress your breasts, he squeezed them lightly and then slowly got a bit rougher testing how far he could go, rubbing his thumbs over your nipples and kissing his way down your neck until he reached your breasts, now sucking and kissing all over them.

“Mhm, Draco its so, so good.” You moaned, making sure he knew what you liked and didn’t since you were both experimenting.

You grinded down onto his growing bulge making him stop what he was doing with his mouth and let out a low moan that he tried to supress. “Merlin Y/n, that’s heavenly.” He said into the skin of your neck.

His hand sneaked up your skirt making you move back a bit on his lap, his finger pushed your panties to the side, you unzipped his pants slipping your hand under his pants grabbing his length in your hand.

You both were filled to the brim with ecstasy needing a release quickly. Draco pushed his fingers between your slits rubbing over your clit and sticking two fingers slowly inside of you, making you squeeze his dick with your hand and  burry your face in his neck.

When you pulled his underwear down and wrapped your fingers around him, slowly moving your hand up and down he bit down on your shoulder groaning. Both of you weren’t new to the general actions, you just weren’t used to someone else doing it.

Draco curled his fingers inside you continuously pumping his fingers in and out as you continued to pump him with your hand, both of you speeding up trying to get that release. You squeezed around his fingers and you felt him twitch in your hand signalling that the both of you were close to release.

Your chests heaving as you both came undone in each other’s hands, staying still for a moment before relaxing into each other’s bodies catching your breath. 

_____________Smut ends above this line______________________

“That was so nice.” You said in a tired voice against his neck.

“Just nice?” Draco questioned wrapping his arms around your back.

“More than nice, amazing, lovely, addicting.”  You muttered against his skin leaving kisses after each words.

“oh addicting you say? You want more?” Draco cheekily asked snaking his hand back under your skirt but you stopped him.

“Of course just not right now, it’s getting close to curfew Draco.” You used all your willpower to stop him even though you really wanted more.

“Oh you and following the rules, how boring.” He teased passing you your bra and shirt as you did his pants back up for him.

“Shhh, you love how good I am.”

“Well opposites attract, or at least that’s what they say.” Draco said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

As you made your way back to your common room Draco stopped outside. “Let me take you to Hogsmead on the weekend?” He asked eagerly, a big smile on his face.

“As long as you keep your hands to yourself Malfoy.”

“I make no promises.” He chuckled as he placed a tender sweet kiss on your lips. People saw and stared but when you pulled away quickly looked away from the two of you.

“Goodnight Draco.” You smiled walking into your common room filled to the brim with happiness and joy.

Draco was left alone in the hallway, the quiet whispers deafening , the judgmental stares stabbing into his skin, he made his way back to his own common room and replayed the memory of the two of you at the lake, it helped to calm him down.

[seolarin]

i never felt the urge to write down something like this but i feel like i have no one to talk to, yet i feel so bad. maybe tumblr is gonna be my secret diary after all. i am depressed, like, really. today, someone i really love deeply said that what is was saying was useless. and it was the trigger, something this little, something this insignificant. something that shouldn't had to be a trigger. yet it made me question everything about myself. am i that bad, i can't communicate with people. either i dont get what theyre trying to say, or either they dont get what im trying to say... this person is my fav person atm. they said that my constant bad mood is dragging them down. which i can truly understand. the thing is.... i felt like i was doing so well lately. im so sad that im the only one that thinks so. btw i dont wanna be toxic for them, so... they're free to leave. but il feeling so bad i hate myself so much i just want to destroy everything, i dont understand why keeping relationships is so hard? im the most kind one, the most caring and loving one. feeling that i have someone by my side truly makes me smile and help me spread positivity. yet people keep leaving. my best friend left a few months ago. they said that she was calling me their bff bcs it sounded pretty to have someone like a "bff" but then realized that keeping me as their bff meant being too responsible, like i'm hard to handle you know? after all, im a dumb depressed mess, too much work to care about someone like me i guess. i have so much on my mind rn. i want to die, but y laundry isn't all done and my room is messy. plus i want to write letters for my dad and for the people i love. i can't die now but i really want to. i also want to lose weight i cant think of anything else all day, i hate myself because im so weak abd give up when im hungry, i didnt even last 1 week, i was so weak that even brushing my teeth was so tiring and no one knows how difficult it is because i dont wanna tell anyone im struggling and starving ti lose weight because they will say that i have to eat and they wont understand. i want to die i dont have any strength left to try and make friends because ive been trying for 21 years, and it fails fails fails fails FAILS. im a fucking FAILURE. no friends, no girlfriend, no job and no fucling idea of what i wanna do later, my art sucks and people dont care about it, my mother kicked me out of her house 2 months ago and doesnt love me, my friends dont really love me because they keep leaving, i have no hope, really no hope. i just have an antisocial cat that i can make purr sometimes

someone help me

[emoali]

They say that when you stop arguing thats a sign and i kinda just realised that did happen. I stopped asking him and making him confornt what i was feeling i stopped fighting with him. Idk if thats because I stoped caring or suck at setting boundaries??? Like when it came to his job I didnt want him to be sad truly. But it also made me sad that he just seemes to never realy try at jobs. Why do i feel that way? There must be a reason...i felt it in timeshare...in real estate but im also a put to much into my work...im at the point where I dont care anymore all I want is an apartment where we can grow old... why not with him??? but I can also see doing it alone....

When he didnt pick me up I was sad and I didnt know why... $20 bucks is less than a car payment so why cry over that and i knew his situation... Yet still was hurt

He did sign up for the raid even knowing I had to work and he would need to pick me up. Why do i hold on to this memory?

While iv been flirting with guys for the past year I didnt really hide it well and I did it often... part of me thinks i did want he to find out and then idk...idk if I wanted him to break up with me or confront me and our situation and make him think to try diffrent things to make it better and change?? Idk

Were still kissing saying I love you... like the love is still there ... I want to cuddle with him and be near him still.. I'm still walking around naked Nd sleeping naked..what do i do?

I changed my facebook status a long time ago in the middle of the pandemic

I Know I was going to put a time line on him getting a job...

And I obviously knew this might happen when I signed up for therapy I wrote about it in the pre evaluation ...just feel like it happening fast and the holidays are coming... Do I stick to the time? I think if i move out its my way wanting to grow up but maybe we dont have to split? Cuz of our sex getting interpreted could be the excuse? Wanting to save money could be as well if he doesnt have a job by then... But now that iv been diving deep in this feeling idk if that's enough...im split 50/50 on that...like hes getting better in bed and cleaning (could get better) and hes cooks more for us...just never felt like i got to see what we could be on our own but at the same time that feels like a major excuse... He says he wants to get better and i believe him.... I want to...

The thought of leaving scares the shit out of me....im split 50/50 stay or go I can't decide. I'm able to picture both and be happy with both honestly....i still have hope ...i think i need to continue doing what iv been doing And see what happens in the upcoming months and if we are still seeing red flags.... because I dont want this to be something that happens to quickly. I am afraid that the holidays are going to cloud my thoughts and logical thinking.

We always fall more and more in love during the holidays if I feel in January I still want the new year new me thing then I know I gave it one last shot. 

I said I cant wait to get my own place out load recently... Ouch.. Felt like I was accepting that idea...

Hes always been my go to guy for things to talk about and still is...i was having a bad day at work Thursday and I did call my dad first only cuz of how I left feeling after the last session normally I would call him and it was like 8 am I was thinking  he was sleeping...

After my dad didnt make me feel better I called Brian and was able to vent to him

I do still want to be his friend i send him pics from work and I'm trying... So I think we can get better if we both try...but still not sure...i need to stick to my new routine...think ALOT...keep on the routine...and really explore my feelings...

Can I forgive him and stop thinking about the past???...

I'v been preparing for this for long than i realize...wanting diffrent accounts...my FB status... The job thing is for me...just sucks his moms involved...maybe it will be good to move out even if we dont spit so i just feel depentant on anyone...ughhh

I have my exit plan its just wondering if thats what i want... I have alot to think about

[castlehead]

: LITTLE MILE,

PART ONE : : [live for the weekend and buy grams of blow with your paycheck.

see section A. feel good about going for walks. work thru a long distance relationship and get through the suicidal shit okay. then

break promises but also keep a few, not to keep up appearances but you wish rather to keep the purity of your word, which is hard fucking work. wait till she comes for a visit after super long time

apart and spread some roses on the bed because she likes that sort of thing. leave oreos on the pillow as oreos are delicious. ride her later in the night about that time you smoked six cigarettes in five

minutes as she was blowing xanax to prove a point. go to sleep crying but remember a few special moments as well and base your memories around that. see GOD for awhile but then decide it was

bullshit and perhaps just your conscience given a literal voice. see section A. hear nobody text you for days and understand some weird nonsensical ehrebung at really enjoying a smoke for the first

time in the morning as you look out the window. it is brisk and sunny and the bricks of the buildings look beautiful. think what a day what a day etc. then actually try to accomplish something with friends in

PARK SLOPE. understand finally that the general agreement is you whack as shit. then find a letter from your girlfriend from awhile ago and feel uplifted all over again for some reason but as for positivity

you do not discriminate. drink horn of sun to fierce last dregs. think about whether you are actually thin or just think you get thinner when you are really just used to how fat you are. talk to your girlfriend at

a certain point mentioned in section A. while on break for way too long.

sweat out a cluttered subway ride every morning forever. decide to jump off the BROOKLYN BRIDGE then decide not to. look meaningfully at a

church because you are reading twilight of the idols. repeat a lot of different stuff at irregular intervals. repeat stuff at regular intervals. learn that those statements are an acceptable example of an irregular repetition: or is

irregular as regards time only, not difference: an irregular life has less to do with fiber than we think. an irregular life can be as varied as disposition to pate : : as feeling to brokenness, as alteration altered to fear of change

might comfort one back into the nest of ignorance : it doesn't have to mean as regards, well, anything : it itself can be fiber, a fibrous fiber: so: we scrounge for something burred underneath the soft netting: crack up: put way too much

weight in your presence at social events : leave social events early or go to sleep in front of everybody pretending to be passed out : see social events as a total stressor : don't kno what to do : never know what to do ever: social

events. assume yourself a negative, discomfited person thereby. lose all friends because you dig deep into stupidity to find a reason for it, think about it until you go blind, rectify and rectify till all's a mess: is that what you want: yes:

friends are lost based upon too many simpering blasted apologies. really wish that you will leave a good looking corpse and do leave a good looking corpse. wonder why you don’t think about childhood very often, as in the concept.

see section A. come to the conclusion that fuck yes it is too late to have a happy one but really come to understand that that doesn’t matter as all things are for a time anyway but then get pissed off about this because you then realize as well

that you are mere mortal and still fields of open grass and oak away from describing something beautiful or whatever but then also wonder that you are infinite wherein the moment is concerned: and then think about your ex

for some crazy reason because all that matters is the past as regards what you’d want to retain in some eternal rolodex of spite or some shit, or maybe it’s just you but you can’t reimburse your mom because of all the infinite

you’re feeling and tell her you can’t and she says that is okay but doesn’t mention that it is ok because the advent of your twenties was mainly depressing, and you there, in room, gnawing at psyche like some useless ape as usual say, WELL

OUT WITH IT, and there she goes finagling a fart out of her ass your mom we are speaking of your mom and her aggravation and her remnant pain from a lost job years ago because oh certainly to fail once is to fail forever

and then you as you are young realize the moment is forever and you can make it a failure and you can make it a wonderful revealing of some big thickened BLEAR asking for property, asking for sense to be given it but you

can’t you can’t justify the dread nay [beckett] nor the odd ghosts in your bathroom that time you spoke to yourself for days and and and so then so then the weekend promises at least an end to this damned ineradicable

gloom and empty state as in empty and taxing but no state of emptiness no state of gloom yet here is gloom here is the reflections of a man refusing too long to look in the damn mirror and see himself is it you or is it i or is it all

the damn farts from the woman who birthed you wanting to be the final whiffing sound as to all of your gutsy failures and drudges through fields of stone and grass and oak you paint out of a backpack and some green

carpet in your room that one time you tripped balls on a tuesday on mushrooms and the razor talked to you and proved by its unassuming nature a very grill to the face that damned long face of a son too burnt

into his own damned house and wired by the damned eternity that sounds like some resilient, grand tocsin, some priketh ye some don’t but ya know it’s all just plain forgotten and happy at that, I’d live in codes wordless

more than explain this meaninglessness and/or stain on the life of time, that is humanity: that is growth: that is the paradigm of something written, written, scratched along the judgments of your mom’s farting fucking

asshole, your grown ass self, so proud to put on pants, so good at that one joke made riskily at a party and relished ever afterwards, so good at failure, happy failure, happy, happy to enter that small crack in the sadness too, happy

to bloom out of dismissal, shunning, happy to mature past the point of needing a single reason for a fart, an end, or a waste of mind. turn 30.

repeat. [etc] see section A.] ?? . . . .

RAGE on rage on, collapse into morning day like something of a storm, at least Frightful mist, some thunder bloom / glass incipient of the troubling harrowing: Some awful precondition. Out its frightful bells: wetly dew paints grass lucent-

-And I rise away from all that in my small cave in my state an eye half open, My knuckles are red from cracking them on my own jaw very a lot that night And some banging head i.e. sleep deprivation considered itself and made it

Worse. I thwarted myself continually mind whanging useless and thickly, like Sometimes i feel like that hamster I had when I was in middle school, wasn't, That i never named - - - uh, worth, it, wasn't worth it . S'ok it's ok for things

To no be worth it. Don't cry well then here's a fucking cookie Tard. I literally Just spat up phlegm right on my computer / no joke / I am freakish, & loud Also re hamster-mortality: I kno it is tragic, my girlfriend lost HAMSTERR

Named peanut. An entire quadrant of space specking thru eyes of that thing All day . Dont think ive evr done this much speed in one night (lol) i dont think i should be able to backtalk : this quick speed = religious,

[chalk dust molars fanatical facial people crunch 'em with 'em to dust. be sure to drudge up spume in the foggy brume some master floater or for sake of interracial justice an inanimate image of justice untarnished by opinion

or blaspheme. vulgar just for sake of cashing in on the weird honey : dip in there : of big politics etc anticipatory raging, prolepsis, summoner say : ARiSE ! ! !! : my girlfriend: she is sleeping right next to the and oh like a lamb she is, right

next to the voodoo-man, shepherd, making us all fly thru the honey right into some strict objective eye, truly naked vision, making commune with image and self. - - ] She goes on dozing into me and snoring soft like a, like subtle universal truth, or

Somethin. My snot is stuck in the bakc of my skull, i feel, i feel like waking up my Girlfriend with my hands all over like tidal waves : : i know hamstermortality, to let The reader kno : it is the wave of arcanum 17 : it is, it is waft of hope, like random

Prescience. Iit is the great like space etc of all, or some completely lazy encompassing. Kewl things only exist cuz hm i guess they exist for — — time, like hamsterts, Hamsters = meaning of universe, it’s like classical semantics or fuzzy logic:

Supervaluationists predicting borderline cases!!! How many hairs must i lose before You can call me bald : for the hairs will exist alway / they will, they will scream out : They will be a thing that is they are the very fuxxx god calls logic

Slash these words apart, greet blame and slash that, grab the bags: Run from the rage then, drum up some possibility for fuel, beat legs For leagues. ‘Message’ after ye with a bat, won’t get a thing so. But

Kicked up dust he’ll cough on, sweat drooling, finally fatigued: marigolds Fooling in the wind around him, agh, long day: we run into the ‘Pome’ Later: find it sucking on a sugar lump in some coffeeshop, well, money:

Who knew, who but the pivot finally: as drain groans a fable like a job to Do. Shit twists with flood and the seagulls berating lend belief at it all with Solid statement, caw, caw, wishing, duh, To Be Done With Message

Of course, especially one that some brine of heart sloshed up: some Reticular wisdom like as hair, hateful : some weird gloss over shadow Dims the bald head, the bald ‘Message’ - the crested ol’ bigot furious

Yawp yapping damnable in that there roast for the father: big squeeze, Squeeze of animus. Finally, down the block of stillness, down dug into The brig, obstructed color, rigid air, manic doors, kids laughing at him:

Little Mile : : feel it all over again : what answers can we get to as regards You fully: an elliptical, maybe? Or trash, or earthy disarrangement, dirt, Particles resulting in flipflop, wages made but unfulfilled for good? Or

Maybe marigolds !! Breezes coming out of their loops into wiggling weight Themselves, hulking as cathedral tunes, heavy with ambiguous threadiness, And that holy torment of an ever-figuring progenitor, professor of the

'Message'—black & bleak—against the righteous curiosity, ol' puff-head, ol' Apoplectic, Sorry For The State Of - - and dese homeless parties of the Sad. The sad chase, the chase as I must do is still solo. But grand, the

Hemophilic fire, the rusty brigade o’ pleaches o’ daffy hair, dummy cunt To stake on cosmic sex, just a blowoff: still. Then. Little dragoons whiffed It up anyways and blessed the fakery past mythos into real, made a great,

Big sepulcher for all 'em fathers: all the risks at tacky jive: lagoon: great, Great swoon of fibrous living out the ducky’s little murmuring in the mud, Tump-a-tump with buckles o’ swash : #dgaf : yet is we da pirate , as in ,

We is , we ah make anything magnificent and say it is that and leave it So. We. Croon and wait for that swell damned music’s dish to punch big and soft into the pillow : we: meet poetry POETRY POETRY POUR IT ALL

And soft into th. pillow. We. Down a side-street : have a baffled-eye ‘a sec: Din in the den gets closed the sisters ears : think some nature-shit: stfu: Bucolic site there wispy girl : pencil neck : root , , , for Image-Pleasant:

For you that is : root for the Panjundrum not, in his anger-yells all daffy, Deadening reasons for the noise, amplified like a big [bracket] to the side Of something, past declaration, past the final honesty and towards some

New squeamish chuck of ew-grease out of my bad throat : 'Message' Attempts to toughen with - providence, it feels, it knows - of mere scraps Of itself, and then I emit new strings for my shoes, frayed knot, couple

Stoners ranting in a parking lot when one sees a human innim and flees, From eye of him : one states the [bracket] as annotation even though it Supplies nothing : mere notation is as much enclitic for an infidel sense

As rhyming to behead borders of rhythm with timing , adding meaning Like chaff at the end while a sprocket ebbs out then 'splodes at once, a Gathering of mite and fingernail and bedding shod in the cracks under

The bland couch then sets aflame, burning down the garbage, which is Everywhere : police police : fuck da : : whelp : lost musings only whelm As much as one is willing to go rapidly , that is, will be as quality as the

Quicken, enacting some different statement thru defensive natures of style Like Declension : Logoaedic : parse the thought, then let it run before the Jello melts, food gets cold: picnic raped by ants. Premise of the rule. So the:

Uh: bracketed, shuffling fragged things dole more out for the warmness, As in, have something mean what it means, leave it at notation , make the Final well and, "End like a spear, not like a broom" - - Well, who knows

About honor: maybe just to prove myself I will right something really for Awhile too messed for the husbandman to mould with his ass: drop the Incisive manacles, they get my wrist bit with copper: write to right a thing

You never mention: madden out copper tongues: make demands about Stuff you have no idea you are actually talking about: but that's not going To mention itself either and is perhaps what is missing for the right reasons:

So why yell out proper tongues if that is all tongues want is their own voice To hock a spray of legit logey sniffed up the nasal psg. and out into the World. Well. Garbage burns itself to slew. But you like that. You enjoy

The mesmerized epiphanic trumpeting, priketh, prike prike : nasty uncle, He was , and a bald head a sunshine away from DEATH-LAZER. Stun, But be stupid as brick. As was said, I speak to reflect mirrors in darkness.

Should be obvious. Maybe this inkling of finding a new way to speak'll Dart straight for the first reason to pant and wave commodities at the sullen Sucker-tourist upon losing his next day's provender at the hands of silly kids.

DeMand: Wring rungs out proper tongues, lick pompous, drone on in thatt Stat o’ thing: status of thing: state of things: rut t tt t t t tt t tt t t tttt tt t t t t tttt Guts me : feeling in’t I feel nothing but in hole: & & & & & & & & & & & & &

Still the great compilers edge more into the fantastic, learn to eat it along with The tragic as one happy meal. Eventual blossom, hoping Mary and Ed ride fine Off into the sunset, cans tied to the bumper clicking like cliché: Jesus is sick :

He tells me so much is at risk here : then again, who could harbor such a feel But Big J or Yeezy : : well he’s a prick : that’s why you shouldn't music so much: I don’t listen to music nomores: even you’re tarnished bc of all this harlot noise

Attempting heaven, & whatnot : WHAT? WHO THN ?? WHAT THEN ?? So Fortunately, I’m Done. Getting into ye head. I’m already there. Felt random & Also, tortuous pressure spread keen thru label after label, waiting for sustenance,

It was given, as if words could ugh the body with ugh : feed me with 'don't' is What the character 'Message' means. This sentence means it is myself declaring A sentence. That is what it means, and the Myself in it shines out of that part of

It like some beautiful renegade oxygen, a distillation more perverse, a naked way, A death of all that damnable stuff we got our heads warped around in like some Exquisite Fucking Turban [tho false] tho, maybe drunk off picked points smacking

Of defeat, well : : : such's to give up meaning at all - - MESSAGE _a t_ _a l l_ [?] As if words could damage the body : does language uh have one string it can plukk To stop the heart?[.] Or does it all. Well. Uh, lose weight: is it a fascinating receptacle,

Or mere extensiveeverything: ” Do You Believe In God.” – – – – – – I wouldn't be Able to give you anything for jesus, much less Jews. HAve little idea what I believe. Belief is odd. I think I believe in, just, being chased, you know, for thievery. It's a

Saturated L.A. sun like in this song by [The National] it is called "Pink Rabbits." it Is really damn good I remember feeling like the string to my heart almost cut that one Time. But I couldn't tell you anything a medium in some spooky curtained shop

Wouldn't be able to perform with a bit more erggh 'flair' well damn I despise flair write To construct a core or write to DeMand to write or write to right something wrong w. Your sister's [hairdo] or write about strings. Write about all the strings. What all of

Them would do if connected THE WORLD IS POME across the globe. Don't think There'd be much room else for people. Well no worries then, you’ll steal hunches till you Can’t even breathe a thinnest wisp of sister-air. Enjoy never figuring out anything. I

Like to tip-toe but that's no way to run , I gotta say the world is fucked w/o a point , , , The drain is really sick [!] w. all this flood it might as well be the guts of garbage And the rightness of wrong , of the failed and of lineage thru language do we bring

Our own booze do we sing some amped version of the obvious soullessness everybody Gets to grate all over everybody else like some annoying sadness too small for this World, too inscrutable to be anything bt what it is, what it is not anything, as POME

Is words, not ideas, get subjugated by need to buddy up with certainty by corroborating This or that line with another, breaking another, letting pennies go slipshod thru da Grate, while all the while mighty confusion rends a new surprise in plain polished sight,

But o the bees in my gut wig out more folly but as plain to live and hope by their ruin To bring the ties untangled, yes, state the statement-as-goal, martyr a few mirrors thru Indelible mistake, ending Kierkegaard at Democritus' river etc. NO WE NEVER

STEP THRU THE SAME RIVER TWICE NO NOR PERHAPS ONCE, anyways, The bees escape nathless from a pirson-prison. In spite of all this floppy flotsam, Like some weird torture. The stingings bless, the robust yellow flow mitred across

De backs uf'm. And I still considerable, a regular pill for the unagog men still seeing Me unsightly, some lack, some twit, some spook : er something as like, as what god Makes of his leftovers in the afternoon between jobs: but me young boss: HOSS:

What?, zooks, gain, what gain 'questionmark' nothing an adorable steeple could not Bring together as all us wonderful people together rise them, these middle fingers- -Pointing up UP UP, run with lacking, then, fuck, huh?, shut up, suited only to

Sslipped phrase, the bank account gets canceled & yr out on the streets with only Luck and Fucks to feed you. Wiring runoff, shattered, wrecked, fetid, but all of it So Human that nobody seems to mind: neither of those three words can understand

My theosophy, nor gainsay, I'm too cryptic: : fault fault, fault fault, thwartedness- -But still continuance, shorn but not straight dead. Lucky but suffering. What a bore, To get brought in by force, to the party, snatch a few lichen, press against petri dish

To make dialogue unheard of or no at the party what this is about, this sleight of hand, This emotional screening we seize up and clench our asshole to forget about, rot in it I Say, row those sewage tentacles, mandibles, new legs from the mess, new smack to

The veins, new shot, lessening as day and eyesight, NARCAMNARCAM. Ruin stake [valuesystem] bless me achoo gradient risen sceptic collide me w truth,

Ruin stake dress me up in my garters and delirious falbalas at table, valuesystem,

Run to the ruin: make stand up puppetry the rotary: vast tracts of time enable the- -Child to believe he is infinite. Child god goes wishing-wishing at peak, wishing To see: you flee from definition like that stoner guy from earlier all the time, you

You let the questions mysteries bleed out thru yr fanciful cufflinks: drat: quaint: Wanna bleed staid blood. Want to create the hurt that must hurt, that must come: Just to have some control, as elusive blood, got to pour lopsided from a precious

Wound : : we gaze into ourselves and do not speak, wondering what batty thing Happened back there: we go wishing to dash away performance with a little more Laze: 5-year-old Genius. But yea. But, with you I shuffle into someone free. You

You see the curtain and you know the pianist is behind it nodding off into overdose: You are knowing what curtains mean and that curtains rarely help to cover meanings: You realize there is nothing to peek at nothing to see so you shrug and go home to

Your death, ever-approaching some more-appropriate redness , , , but the redness in The West , tho. What's with that haze that looks like the hoarsest GLARE of all: It is the shot in the arm taken too breezy, brought you to the finale, the glimpse then

Recession into embedding blank blankets of so-and-so upon your life, weighty big Deaths greeting you with comfort, delicious sating of the lorn, and raggedy willful Bravery so long perceived like an animal, that is, now seen so much to salute. So I

Have access now into your maze : it is dangerous here : bees go grinding against the Gut. Entrails that trail haphazard underneath everything forever : the flighty frolic Of your hair, sister : good on you for nvr doing hoarse/horse. Your hair that speaks

In looks looks like the bigger maze, the bigger harder hug to give one day when just , When things get better: just so one don't get bitter, what from examining all sides of The same pipe dream. DeMand, and makes thus bigger dissonance w. me. Say me,

Of your aspect, at base, nothing less, your talent is my name and sister-curse, my uh My name is one to have in spades, you gotta have it so it radically disappears under A veil mentioned elsewhere in full wherein the chase is always and never the point

As your legs, extremities exist by the disappearance of a prior location, or some Name, some name called death we get into other ideas 'bout. But it is a lost name. Bu I cannot bless more than I bleed. Whatever that means. Perhaps I tell

This to others, they do not offer but stares and blinking : oh alienation : what an Easily dismissible thing : REAL PROBLEMS hah : in that case, those girls Kidnapped in Nigeria're having real problems : suffering is subjective & hell

We, as In I, Race Towards It as anything the wiser, wise as answer, jus cast answer, Jus cast ANSWER:- whatever happen to be, jus quake out a few inappropriate Inabilities in front of anyway, including meshing: hear aspersions there, here

And there: I say, if one feels pathos then uh                              you know the whitest lash fuck express it, fuck!, don’t you                        painful on your brow                                                                              loose the snow came, bother with a perfect shape as the                   clad in crammed houses families shape you have is naturally a very          frown at homies, themselves children, improvisation, imperfect as a sky                made random and the same                                                                                 as all storm, asleep flakes or something, like, one sky, just                        made like me to feel like an actor one. i guess, uh. that is what i                                       make like to me guess. that nothing happens if we                                     within the thin walls,                                                                   while bruised dads glimpse the hood are indifferent or something. give           in rochester,   barely guap to eat, to obsession, passion etc. then uh                       my father runs into a grand jizz what follows’s a thing the greater                                  on the way back                                                                        captures it and puts it in a safe . for therapy. write on for therapy?                               his father was a vato, well fuck yes. do it and do it and                           gift-wrapping raining down do it. i like channeling whitman , ,           on christmas, wanting to capture fame                                                                                       and getting the pink slip . cuz it’a means wealth, like, iduno                    it was majestic, slowly he i guess like, [vulgate,vulgate] it    drowned in throat cancer, later. my dads hates is freewheeling all over the place                christmas, but at least he caught                                                                                     a good fuck in childhood and without regards -blank- see yu kno, i cant write on tumblr atm bc something is wrong with my uhhhhhh

keyboard. it doesn’t allow me to , ,          delete the space between one anddd             another line. so i am writing this

                                   to you. it’s probably not really i guess to interesting just see that infinitesimal cube understood so , ,

uh, distantly, as me here, in this room, hanging out with whitman! as in i see ‘im, right here. he is in

the corner smiling to himself bout some private meditation, mostttttt likely. have you figured out this

is a msg in enjambments yet?, you are really cool and ring out , , , , , , despite, right?, whether or not or

            maybe regardless. PART II : : : : ERHEM: fast sadness folds in a toilet like down it you know like those soothing squares, gulls take to the particles after response to command goes lagging, and the aqueduct explodes filter to filter after longing for more than garbage could recall, prideful trash–

garbage i done made myself blind blabhah i done made a bad hither, done dash right into the fount of degrading. i feel very such things as i feel and call them detritus still. i am monstrous i am - big eye, i can fuck myself without any charity-help from anybody.

i am to call myself things like topaz once the giddy girth sloshes within a pictureframe's modest dimensions, and the sharks while snapping snapped alive by the implied sort of movement given only to starkly imperishable images that lighten you up at the art

show. well its time t-to start from the start and start a movement founded on a ginger ignorance of other movements. is i-t: is time to start from the beginning of focus way past bemused glance, ripe glare, teeth beside themselves w cavities of roe and garlic:

it’s time to inaccurately anticipate something, like we knew it was coming and wanted our surprise to look nice. anticipate the perfect slur, find a wide audience for that: it is, uh, time to enact maelstrom considerably, like, lofted above the saddest cloud's

drenching of itself: clouds they are clowns : be sure to recognize the hidden voice, what rattles us is not the mystery of how and logical wherefore but in transmuting some odd warfare of a distant crud's finding, that is - - - it is not what links but what is explained,

which for me is the distance crud, or clod, i call planet : am i a part of it or do i depart from its frequent accusings, importances, rudeness, and flat commodity, material, or just shattered booms hailing the demise of precept got so infrequent that one, less

righteous, is more thru the confessional of the lessness, a lesson : us, , rule, , : the sea like an antelope’s stride is, that is, like the picture purely between man, shark, and sea, of slopping sides over the frames of the picture: something by movement not volume,

by not expanse but a few flits of eye - big eye, - regardless of bigness it is, is and will be there for when the ranting stays, crucial delectable bizarre 'mischance of machinery' while the self goes further out, taken by the turning tides, and then yet this is a bit more

than mangling the heart by placing it on sleeve; this will always be here, distant, or like, remote!, yeh, better word!, you will disassociate whatever

from whatever, [edittttttttttt ttt ] from your blinding clarity [edit] : : you will take an eye out for the bossman cannot : since

wills black as char make the crud, clod, dusty clod, a piece of crud: "shouldn't be so hard to have a nice day." Mutter and grimace. wake up to totally remove yourself in the only way possible, that is, from the world of dreamstate: and piss dole me a new

self of yuck and maelstrom. PART III : : drying the die out of to play craps . or somethings like pinochle of life itself, shouted madman. made anterior who wants the soul who wants it made outside of use I see. something— / something digs for a very hinting it goes like something as must to stop,

as much to save the world as self by saving declamatoriations [!!!!!] declarations yeas, declaiming . / well go ahead and rue the ensuing bratty corps of lifer’s whom stake much on image / nada -rtiet- [edit] editwrite made something is^^^ within that words

them words something letters inverted salamander-language seen spanking new by breaking every rule, ruling over breaks like you had more time. / discovering the body, etc. and it all makes you want to imprint on the wise world some attmept, to do more

by removal of sense if sense is not snuffed out already by now in this senseless world, just going on and on!!!! to the creakiest hints shuffling under floorboards like captives from the bad!! quite the soul search. make more inklings, don't harry yourself, I say,

to discover a bunch of cool shit, also, uh, master it. master thinking in language. maybe i always never did nitpick and nitpick only yeup that is me I knit together the nits the nits are scratchiness, a scratchiness. then I think about how nice honesty is as re the slow

deliverance or rather sparing of us all by the most high / as by and by,, we grope for some bigger socket to launch a sensitivity of me I we errybody into, and me and ha and ha. ALERT. cannot diverge ALERT ALERT ALERT!!! Whoop show./Whopp whoop

whoop, can’t but take it down I wsiwiwsh i wish i was blind, i wish the rails weren’t so sharky : : so bloome [!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] 5$%uh September 13, 2014. Leave a comment Edit POME34 there is language to report, a monster essence. hammer away

and believe till the growth gets funnier and then throw it away handsomely / feel it run like sand thurr rthru your thru thru you[edit]hrought your fineger.s ample tome, im ean time, to write, requite certain disposable nothings like a big random power/ mind goes

and glowers at itself again. ah you kno. broken triangle. anything broken becomes an angle or many. a ziggidy line or somesuch. / so break a whole, rift it to life as some ziggidy line. some sorta line that breathes with uncaring for anything like information

but retaineing formless form as if your occupation was with something else/ let relax the

strands in you ankel, let the angel fall my dear / dont deny it / yur a good person, dammit. all the se facile blunders. all this. these stupid years of making. in the making,

or just making, about too. etc. greqat. great magnificent quiet [edit] is that which i search for and make and build into the most complex geometric shape for good / only to rift it and - - make what people would holy-fy even more bettr than the more better it was /

bby oh how you go on concealing pleanty of plaintiveness. am i nice ?? so what if you are. youre a stara special star . . . yr starved, strande line you ssay you are a bulk of issues you say you dance like a man made

of things .. light as wing . dwindle. wind. light as wind. so much so much to destroy sitll. my eyes need more blurs t[edit] to in order make everything wrong rightwise. foreget aspbergers. or any label / speak pretty

mane’s ruffling sinousity in wind. / a bloke with flow / gnarly [edit] speak charlie stude the sirfur, charlie stud is he who rides the wave, rides wthe wave in /by just meeting

wit ha hello and a hahaha at ripe ombustive ripe combustiveness at / a large offense

[moonbeamdiscovery]

my ex partner working the closing shift at a bar has been such a negative on my mental health its not even funny. it literally illustrates exactly my fear specifically for not wanting to have kids for one. he leaves me alone all day to take care of our dog, whom i love dearly and would do anything for. but he constantly says "oh just take the dog with you to places" which is just truly not feasible. in terms of errands my dog cant come inside most grocery stores, banks, post office, pharmacy, etc. its also like 85 degrees or hotter outside and i feel horribly uncomfortable letting him sit outside in the heat for more than like 5 minutes at a time. second if i wanted to go out, bars usually don't have a patio and if they do it closes at like...9 pm. or its down in the city we live in which like 99% of my friends aren't gonna drive to meet me at a dog friendly bar in a shit part of town. if i want to see them i have to get my ass to where they are, which is impossible with a dog. not to mention parking or taking the train or ubering there. also if i want to drink, how am i supposed to drive.

he constantly is trying to understand why i am having such a hard time connecting with my friends and its so obvious that i feel uncomfortable asking them to make accommodations for the fact that i have to watch my dog due to my neighbor being crazy. the rest of them leave their pets in their house like normal adults. i love my dog but jesus its like a full time job taking care of him and the cost reflects that too.

he just gets to constantly go out with his friends, after work, as ive been sitting alone at home all day carting around our dog to the stores and to errands just so sit sober in the house waiting to pick him up, which now might not even come. i would like just a smidge of clarity so that i can chill and have a good night or be stuck waiting up. i really dont mind sharing a vehicle but it sucks that it comes because his car doesn't and will basically never work properly. all these months ive been stuck working my ass off and then sitting silently in the room on nights when everyone else goes out and parties because i have no ability to leave for a multitude of reasons.

[krs724490]

4/15/21

I’ve been read Dr. Joe Despenza’s becoming supernatural. and he is talking about making mind movies. which i might do! Right now, however, I will write them out in a detailed fashion to help me envision my future. He also suggest making several for the different areas in your life. I agree that this would be super helpful! I want to make one for my career, my home/environment i exist in, my love life, and my health journey. I will start with my love life because it’s the one that so easily consumes my thoughts so i want to knock it out first. so it doesn’t distract me as a i move through the others. I may come back and add detail later. or rather i should. well we’ll see how this practice goes.... 

1. LOVE

I deeply sighed before writing this because I’m not so sure. If that makes any sense. Like I’m unsure of what I want my love life to look like because I don’t fully trust myself with love. Which sucks. I’ve just gone down too many rabbit holes and its funny because in my head I always say “waste my fuckin time” in that funny voice. but what it really is is me wasting my OWN fucking time because I don’t feel like I have the self control to stop myself from being with men or from discerning which ones are worth my time. I think back to Collin Thiex from less than a year ago and I laugh. Same with Cooper Johnson. Two boys that were so clearly wrong for me and yet at some point I was swept up in them. Maybe it’s because I have met Chase and Tyler and they’ve raised my standards for men. They make me believe that better men, men more meant for me are out there because I’m done wasting my energy. The saddest part is that I keep thinking.. what if I’m wrong about Tyler? What if its just another one of those honeymoon illusions where I think the guy is great in the beginning and then he ends up “waste my fuckin time?” I dont know. I don’t know if I believe in marriage. I’ve just seen too much divorce. Too much shift in people’s lives and maybe I’m too selfish to work with someone like that. You need to value the relationship SO much to prioritize it and make it work. I want to think that I could end up married to someone who challenges me in the best ways. Who encourages me to be my best self and helps me do so. I run a pretty tight ship. I like to be on my routine. On my game. I don’t like to drink or smoke or do anything that feels unproductive. I think Tyler drinks more than I do. Or I know he does. I dont think I want that to be a big part of my life. I do fitness. I dont have room for a hangover. There is just no space for it. Tyler is so amazing in so many ways but I’m just NOT SURE. and i know i dont have to be. but it sucks not to be because your brain is constantly searching for answers. its like im getting closer and closer to that person. and i love chase. chase is me. chase and i are the same. and like FUCK because he’s just so out there. I feel like my husband is an aubrey marcus type. idk. maybe it is tyler?! i know he cares about being healthy. i just OIJAOSIJDOADJIASOPJD. im so young. when i envision my love life in the future. i see white. i see nothing. i have no expectation. which is good. i think for love thats all i need. wow it took me all of this goo to come to this conclusion. my love life is a blank slate. i dont have any ideals here. Other than our interactions building me up to have more energy rather than sucking my energy away. i dont know about marriage. i dont know about a relationship. i just take that shit day by day because to have this fairytale planned out is just unrealistic. I meet so many men. I love men. I love them. I just dont know if one really fits into my life. like SUPER well. this is just me treading lightly because of what ive been through. i need to accept that this one doesn’t have an answer and move on lol.

2. CAREER/MONEY

All I want is a job that can sustain me without too many frills. I want one that can sustain my basic habits. My grocery bill, car insurance, random nights out with friends. Where I can save up for a flight home. I want to know all aspects of my finance. I want to have it as nailed down as the meal plan I’m going to have. I want to track where everything is going. I want to have it on lock so that when I do go astray I know I have the space for it. Let’s say I spend $2000/month. I want to save for retirement, save for plane tickets to visit ppl, save for trips. I want to look closely at everything I’m doing. So I want a career in fitness that can sustain that. I acknowledge that right now I’m at the bottom of my industry working to gain more experience and that I will move up. Right now is a grind, but I will never stop looking for ways to move up. I will make it. I will make it in 2021 to a high position. I will be running something. I will consolidate. I will begin to HONE IN. To get more specific. I envision myself walking into VASA. I really do. VASA in Willow Creek. I envision the group classes being more popular than ever. I envision everyone in a myzone. I envision helping new instructors. I envision ALL OF IT. I know I would be great at this job. I know that THIS IS THE JOB. I know it. I know it. The energy I’ve already produced there. It’s been incredible and its where i want to grow my career. I know I’m the best person for the job. I’m no longer wish washy. I know I am. I feel ready to take it on. I feel ready at this point in my life. I’m just READY. I want to pull into that parking lot and look at that building and think this is my home. I care about this place. Despite any criticism anyone else has... this is my place. I am determined to make it a success. Chris wont know what hit him. and I think he’s super sweet. He is someone I would want to learn under. This next interview with Lori will be the best interview I’ve ever had because it is something I love and care about so deeply. They will. have no choice but to give me this job.

3. HEALTH/WELLNESS

I am on my way hunny!!!!! This is finally exciting for me to write about haha. I really want to shoutout Chase here. This nutrition plan is giving me LIFE. I can already see myself running those full marathons. LIFTING WEIGHTS. Teaching cycle and yoga and all of the things and absolutely thriving. Following an exact nutrition plan that I have nailed down to the point where I can seasonally switch things out?! ?!!?!? what?! Taking the supplements. Becoming more specific with my goals and absolutely crushing the fitness game. This week has been busy but I’ve been handling it so well because ive been sleeping and eating right! It’s like my classes aren’t overwhelming and I’ve even been working out on my own??? I’ve done some long runs. I’m proud of myself. I know I’m goin places and I’m slowly leaving Mara at the door more and more.

4. HOME

Always CO. I think the only thing I would consider like I’ve always talked about is moving closer to the mountains but nature is such a priority for me. The mountains truly hold a lot for me. They carry things I can’t carry. They hold them for me. I love their energy. I dont want to get too attached because like Ram Dass says if you’re doing your work New York City and a Himalayan cave feel the same. So I just want somewhere cozy to exist. Where I can keep my snacks and get my beauty rest. Somewhere to feel rooted. I feel like I’ve got my roots dug pretty deep here :)

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 12 | “Beauty got problems and Brawn got problems”- Autumn

wow. just wow. i sure did just do that and im so proud. i proved to myself im a deserving winner tonight. i will fight to the death to get my allies to the end because lets be real i sure am not making it KJSDFLASFLA.

i was going to start this confessional out in a celebratory tone but YOU KNOW WHAT I STILL AM BECAUSE WE JUST DID THAT. I typically like to be my own biggest hater and drag myself in my confessionals a lot just as a way to clock myself and try to see the other perspective, but BITCH I KNOW I SNAPPED THIS ROUND AND IF YOU DONT THINK I DID LEMME HIT YOU WITH SOME FACTS; FACT: I CORRECTLY USED MY ADVANTAGE AND WON IMMUNITY DURING WHAT WAS A PERTINENT ROUND https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: UPON FINDING OUT I HAD IMMUNITY I KNOW DEVON WAS COMING TO ME TRYING TO KEEP ME UNDER HIS WING, OH YEAH ADAM, JUST VOTE IN THE MINORITY, AND GO ALONG WITH BEING AT THE BOTTOM, AND IT WAS M E DECIDING I DIDNT WANT TO DO THAT AND SPILLING THE TEA THAT LED TO GETTING AN OUTCOME I WANTED https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: it was ME who also went to autumn/ali and started planting seeds of doubt in their minds about jake and it's turning out it's helped me solidify my position with them better https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif FACT: It's also still me who's aligned with 2 or 3, if you include jake, of the biggest targets left in the game and i already have augusto and amir sliding in my pms trying to play pity me boo hoo hoo like gorl plea im not buying it but yall wanna keep singing kumbaya? well ill sing the encore and be twice as fake as yall (i DO love them both as people just as a disclaimer but from a game perspective? they're beasts!) https://media.tenor.com/images/6c2f88af1bd5a24853849df11a566947/tenor.gif ok, boasting over, time to hop off cloud nine and get back to reality because FACT: we all just made a big move, so the target on all of us, including myself, just went up, FACT: i could easily be delusional and maybe i had NOTHING to do with this blindside SJDFA but lemme bask in my fake glory anyway itll be funny to read after at least... FACT: The war has truly only just begun, that was a great victory but if me/ali/autumn are really in it like we're saying, we may still have another idol on our side, but we're gonna need more than that, it's kinda funny we're one brain, one brawn, one beauty and i think that speaks volumes i truly love these gals and think this is a good game route for me. some people might think it's foolish of me to align with the big threats and go deep with them, but who's to say im not worthy of being in their company? if it wasnt for my social connection with devon he wouldve never told me the plan, and then autumn is the smart one so she kept us composed and together, and then ali was the brawn he had the idol and got the job done. So im gonna just try and stick with this for now, hopefully they feel the same and dont try to oust me right away because then ill look like a whole fool and a half OOP, and ill plaster my fake smiles on for everyone else and kiki it up we can haha hehe all day long but i wont hesitate to vote them out because trust and believe. 

Last Day 30 was my last day playing TS: Guyana, so this is a nice feeling to still be here. But now the fun kicks in. Jakey helped orchestrate the Devon blindside with the Ali idol, so I guess we're even. And now, assuming Jakey is still actually with me, which I think he is, I think we can run this game for the longrun. He has access to Ali, Autumn, and Adam and I have access to the three Beauties. I truly see this being beneficial for the both of us in terms of keeping one another safe and allowing us to get to the final six unharmed. Final six is important for me. I'm not sure if I've admitted this in an earlier confessional or not, but I have the Legacy Advantage (thank you Jordan Pines!) that I can use at six. So I just need to survive two more tribals. If I can do that, I have a seat in the final five, probably two more rounds to survive before getting to FTC, and then I have a shot. I really need to start building a resume if I want to win this game, but I think I have a chance. I really need to get Ali and Autumn out in these next three rounds. If I can do that, I see myself being able to make the end with the likes of Jakey, Kendall, Augusto, and maybe Adam (Amir will become a threat at five or six I think) and then I have at least a shot at the win, but I really need to keep my head down, keep the social game going, and make a move or two here.

so. i think i have some explaining to do JKLASDFA huh? i was on calls for the like three hours before tribal so i didn't really confess at all.. in fact i think in my last confessional i said that we were voting 4-3-3 which did not happen at all so i think i need to fill in some gaps huh? so... i have known since like 11pm EST yesterday that i was getting votes tonight. devon told, adam told me and then told autumn, but then autumn didn't want to tell me until later in the day which i honestly do think was fair so we weren't spiralling for hours. we were all sus of jake all day (and lowkey i still am?)... like i dont know when his energy because so shady, plus devon may have told adam that jake was in on the plan? plus he kept saying stuff like the vote has gone "back to kendall" and kept pushing me not to play the idol... something does not add up right with that. anyway so that demonic group of five voted for me, and lied SO much to make me leave with my idol? like why not just make me paranoid, leak the vote to adam or jake then vote autumn get me to waste an idol and then autumn leaves? now that would've been a good move hello?! but that group does not know how to blindside, idols have sabotaged their plans twice and amir/augusto should consider themselves lucky that they are still in the game. also kendall fought me at tribal because i was being cocky... but she literally tried to blindside me into leaving with an idol hello?! i appreciate that she thought she was going, but she is zero to too much way too quick. augusto can literally suck my ass our call was him and his bad excuse for jury management, like can he at least be like amir and pretend to want to work with me? anyway so moving forwards, i wanna vote out kendall or augusto this round. amir can stick around because he at least pretends to wanna work with me plus he is a threat too. idek i just want all the fake people in this tribe gone. i will not vote for adam, autumn or jake. i will vote for any of the others, im not fussed about the order in which i do so. im living on borrowed time in this game and im going to make it count

Sorry this is two parts I thought my friend was gonna die lol but she's fine. Remember kids, there's no dick worth dying over and a straight guy rejecting you is a blessing in disguise these days (considering the alternatives). 

Now on with the show hahaha 

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1-AkqQGDYzlccP1VFwpPNo-aCQPFmoj9Z https://drive.google.com/open?id=1bVcBqq0JL2-ybgTiS2vOrYURbCG0kIxh

thots on final 8: augusto: would cut me to win, literal love of my life, super kind and empathetic and genuinely good person, i think his social game is fire and i think he has a way with people, and downplays how smart and cutthroat he really is constantly, but i love the kid so much ali: the brit has to die ali again: okay im kidding i like him a lot but tbh hes a smart fucking guy, i think hes super cool and and also a badass with that idol play, hes a force but he has to go soon autumn: lana stan, coolest girl around, queen of the social game, queen of likability, queen of controlling rounds and letting others take the hit, a damn threat, she could win this game   tj: sweetheart, we need each other in the game rn, i need need need to secure his loyalty adam: hes kinda crazy but he has a good heart, kinda just following ali and autumn rn, not gonna win in the end kendall: i have a soft spot for this crackhead, she deserves the world, probably cant win at the end but im happy i met her, shes on my side and a vote i can use moving forward jakey: love him to death would die 4 him, would beat me in the end and at immunities also the fact that kendall augusto and i are all still here is so fucking funny, like bitch how kejwnfkewjnfkejnwfkjnewkfnewk cockroaches

So numbers on surface Jakey - adam - autumn - Ali Kendall - Amir - Augusto - tj Round 5: Adam - Ali - autumn Amir - kendall - Augusto In the middle: jakey - tj So I just have to work on them 

when i tell you ive been hooting and hollering what the fuck is going on in the survivor on this day, who the hell would've thought id win my third individual immunity in one season, gorl that is probably the most 2020 thing to happen in this game. although two of them pretty much were dumb luck afdjks either that or maybe im doing a little better than i think i truly dont know, and the touchy subjects clocked me on THAT as; what was it they said, 'the person they forget is in the game' and also 'least aware of their place' okay well yes im AWARE ive BEEN lost and asking for help this whole game gorl! But that's great, that's how i want people to view me, because uh... i just won 3 of these things now and that alone is reason to target me, granted im doing my best to play it up like dont worry! im just a dumb dumb! and clearly theyre eating that up like crazy, because it's both just the truth but also strategy if i keep playing it up, so watch out meryl, adam's in town! also LOVE that i knew i was gonna get most likely to have the idol i dont know how many times i have to say it IM INNOCENT AND BEING FRAMED FOR A FOOL and ooh dont even get me started on all the other tea it spilled, i actually got the LEAST of the bad things, i guess i kinda exposed myself because i made most of my chops at amir, augusto, and tj oop, so they probably didnt like that but they really left me no choice strategically, screw with me, i screw back, simple as that. As far as the vote too ummm.....it's been quiet tonight on my end so hope that doesnt make me a fool because this time last vote was a disaster, at this point im still thinking i need to stick with ali and autumn because this vote is so pertinent, after this a solid 4  can take it, or get as far as we can because im always keeping my options open OOP, but for the most part i do want to stay true to my good judys for now, but i know someone between amir/augusto/kendall has an idol and if they were smart theyd use it this round, so i need to convince the others of this because im sure its gonna happen since they dont think ali has one anymore hopefully but who knows, if it were up to me we'd vote augusto or tj this vote. I think amir has the idol and i think he's going to play it for himself this round or i could see augusto playing it for him, so if i can make anyone belive that very realistic scenario, we can get one of the ones theyd least expect just to ensure us the numbers for next round, but what do i know, they just forget im in the game anyway! so hopefully tomorrow someone tries to give me the tea and we get a plan together or else i spilled all the tea last round for nothing which is worst case scenerio 

yesterday was a lot. I went an apology tour to everyone involved in my blindside and honestly it was annoying. the fact that augusto basically got me to apologise to him on our call when he blindsided me was irritating, like he just let me sit there and take fault when the point of the call was for him to take accountability. talking to him is like talking to 2018 me, he has such social ability, but he just takes zero accountability and is just so infuriatingly wishy-washy. he is all of my worst attributes as a player rolled into one. i also... almost won immunity? which is crazy, but I just found yesterday and the way immunity played out so frustrating, but I've spoken about it enough in my host chat enough. just know i feel robbed, slighted and if I get rocked out this round when i should have immunity. i will throw a fuss again SAJDKFLAS. anyway so this vote is gonna be a mess. tj and autumn now have a blood feud, Kendall and jake came to a head this round. so that's four people whose name i hopefully am not their number #1 target, plus i don't think adam is targetting me? but this vote is going to be a mess, because it very very easily could be 4-4, where there is an idol on both sides of the trench. i have a gut feeling amir and his sock puppets are going to vote autumn. it makes sense, tj wants her gone and the beauties need him reeled in. so i think im going to have to idol autumn, but that is risky because if the 4 vote jake... im going to rocks, and if they vote me, im reliant on jake going to rocks. but i just wanna send all these people backing, especially augusto. amir i'm trying to shake him that me and him have to stick together, but i also could vote for him. i literally just want to make F7 and to vote someone who just voted me out. that is literally all i want. if i go home i will be literally devastated

So like… there’s the dream and there’s the harsh reality which is something this round really talk me. The dream is obviously me winning, making all these big moves, and doing THAT. However, my reality? Could very well be that people don’t see me as a winner at all and it makes me a little disappointed but I gotta prove them all wrong. The vote last round being Ali was honestly mostly my doing and I’m proud of that. My ideal boot order is Autumn/Ali then Jakey then Autumn/Ali and that is GOING to happen because I’m putting that into the universe. When it comes to Autumn and Ali, I would rather Ali go but I think the safest bet while still having a target leave would be Autumn. In a way too, I do know Amir wants Ali out moreso alongside Jakey but I wanna separate my game from Amir so yeah. Also Adam calling me a fake ass bitch even tho my drunk ass was telling him I liked him was a gag… but oh well.. Nothing grinds my gears more than people thinking I’m not being genuine with how I feel towards them but if that’s what he thinks, maybe that’s what he’ll get idk… i feel petty and mad for some reason over it… BUT ANYWAY, I just want to survive this vote. I hope Kendall doesn’t go but she also said she wants me to win over Amir so yay?

If I die, I just wanna say I regret nothing and I have full confidence that the right person will win this season. So not TJ, Augusto, or Amir lmaaaaooo. Amir entering the two time winner chat??? Over my dead fucking body. If there's one thing Imma do it's poison a jury

Ali or Autumn... who shall we vote? Stay tuned!

Is Jess really Canadian... stay tuned!

god. today is gonna be another nailbiter and i want to confess first. so the plan is to idol autumn and vote out kendall, which sucks because i do now like kendall. i just think its the safest way of avoiding them playing an idol i guess, i don't even know. i just am sick of fighting in this game every single round me and autumn have had to fight to make it past. the fact jake is throwing a fit in my pms becuase im not idoling him is infuriating because... i'd love to idol myself? like? anyway im over it. if i go home, i hope tj can finally stop his blind fixation on autumn and i, that augusto can actually be accountable for one entire thing, amir can stop his pity party and show awareness for his threat level and that kendall... well actually kendall is fine. i just feel like im a mum trying to get all my kids to fit in a minivan and to put their seatbelts on, like can they get it together.

I don’t think anyone is ready for this round or at least what’ll come of it... I’m expecting an explosion or a mess given Jakey thinks he’s staying, TJ has been lied to, and hopefully Autumn or Adam leave next... its all a mess. If Jakey goes, I’m planning a 2-2-2 split between Autumn and Adam where we maybe get Autumn out but Adam leaving doesn’t hurt either. 

me with biggest villian, biggest backstabber, thinks they are running the game, is running the game, and is gonna win at the end http://prntscr.com/ss4h5q

literally god demolished and brutalized worse than anyone in this game tonight in that touchy subjects yet I’m also the one comforting like half the tribe over their answers even tho I ADKWNWQJN WAS ATTACKT LIKE this cast literally thinks im a psychopath fjebwfjenkn but im not gonna play victim over my superlatives i just have to use this target on my back strategically 

I want destruction AHHHHHHHHHHhhHhHhHhHhHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay so, they think me or Augusto have the idol, so they can vote kendall, to ensure our idol isn’t played and that me and Augusto and tj are forced into rocks, and im just like trying to get everyone to stop replying to ali cuz hes smart and he will psychoanalyze and figure out who to play the idol on and like he has to play it on autumn and not himself so pls pls pls kkjnkjenfs let this work

[jihanlife]

Hey guys! This is Amiya and I’m leaving...

Hey guys! This is Amiya. I know this is very sudden, but Ive been thinking about this for a very long time now. I promise myself to post this once i reached 10k and it’s time...... I am officially closing “Jihanlife”. This includes mmeanielife, verkwanlife, and jicheollife...... 

I dont even know how to write this without getting emotional ahahahah. 

Being a part of this community is an eye opening experience. Unexceptionally. It gave me more than what ive asked for. All i wanted is a place to store jisoo and jeonghan photos. but then i met you guys and made alot amazing friends, supports, and love. OVERWHELMING LOVE. I was able to show my arts and edits and gain alot of skills through the process. Overtime the purpose of “jihanlife” had changed. It is now to spread the love and share out seventeen information to you guys. To make people learn more about seventeen and gather together as a fandom and i think my job is done here. I’ve complete my goals. Over this past 2 years, Im so glad to be able to make you guys happy. The best part of tumblr is that i can really connect with you guys like no other platform could. I love answer your question funny or serious. i love making shit post. i lovelovelove many thing about this place. it makes me feel warm and welcoming everyday. A year ago, i cant imagine leaving this place. “Jihanlife” mean so much to me............

Now to the hard part..... as to “why im leaving...” 

The closing of jihanlife (tumblr) does not mean the ending of my love toward seventeen. Don’t worry. I’m not leaving seventeen or this fandom any time soon. I’ve been in this fandom since before they debut. I’m WAY to invested in seventeen. It’s too late to turn back now ahahah. Perhaps I even love them more that ever and will always do. But there are some reasons why i decided to leave.... and im gonna keep it very real.

1. I cant keep up with my blog. I cant work like i did before. My normal routine is to upload EVERY SINGLE PHOTOS of jisoo and jeonghan onto this blog EVERYDAY. and I run this blog alone. Once i missed a day. Its hard for me to go back and reupload it. Sometime it can take up to 6-8 hours per day. And thats just too much. I know i dont have to upload every single photos out there but its just my thing you know. and it starts to become a burden to me. Almost like task i need to complete. It starts to feel like work instead of hobby. I somehow pressure myself into it and i started to “hate” this blog. Someday it left my heart heavy and i want to get it off....... 

2. Unpleasant personal experiences with fansites. Ive been in the fandom for sometime now. For 3-4 years. I know things and experience things that are fairly unpleasant. Something most people dont know about and i wish you will never know.. ever. Since then, i dont feel the same. It’s hard to explain you directly but it is what it is. I really do wish i havent experienced those negative stuff but it hit me hard and yep life is life. Shit happened once in a while and its okay. i get it. i get over it. moved on. But little bit little, I lose that motivation, I gave them those “maybes”. The will to run this blog as energetic as before, its slowly disappearing. i highly respect fansites. I was one before (and pls dont dig up my history lol its ancient). It takes alot of time, money, effort, and passion. Since this blog is highly involved with fansites. I gave them credibility of their works, respect their works and understand their tricky circumstances that most people wont understand, but unfortunately Ive never recieve any form for mutual respect and instead an “unpleasant” experiences. Dont get me wrong, there are alot of good fansites out there. Ones that respect you as a human being. But Im just never lucky to met/known ones. It sucks. (At the end, you do you. Me do Me. Im good. No hard feelings <3 )

3. It’s time. You know when you do so many cooking to the point that you can just tell by instinct that your chicken is cooked. No? me neither. I dont cook lol. All jokes a side, i really mean it. I just feel it is the best time to leave it like this and move on.

4. I’m Confused. There are alot happening in my life right now and im confused. So I need to make the decision and cut something out. A huge sacrifice. Jihanlife is my life and i love it so much. Ive worked on it so so hard 24/7 for the past 2 years but we need to make that decision to move on. Maybe I just need a break. Sorry for not being able to do this anymore.... Im so sorry.....

5. I ate too many gummies bear. I ate too many gummies bear. I ran out. I need to buy a new jar. so i cant blog. (lol)

Im not gonna deactivate this blog (yet). Im gonna leave it like that because damn i worked on it everyday for the past 2 years for nothing ahahahh . If you guys want to check out old photos of Jihan. You can still swim in the archive! 

After I posted this in my blog, ill be here for the next 48 hrs before permanently leaving. So i can answer and talk to you guys <3 

Even though im leaving tumblr but you still can find me screaming about seventeen, retweeting Jihan photos, doing this same shit on

Twitter: https://twitter.com/jihanlife

Follow my personal life! You can stalk me on youtube and IG. I just started a youtube channel! Yes im moving from tumblr to youtube now ahhahha. I have alot planned ahead and it would be nice to have my friend here go along on a journey with me! <33 im not quite sure with the content yet but im trying! So Join the Journey to the wildness of random shit LOL! So stay tune!!! 

Youtube: Amy Choo

IG: gam.choo

It has been an amazing and precious experience. Truly. I hope you guys will keep continue loving seventeen and support them and yeah i hope you guys will do amazing.... as always. I will always be there for you even if im not in here anymore. Thank you for being so kind and caring to me. Thankyou for cheering me up when im down. Thankyou for adoring my work. Thankyou for being positive. Thank you for making this place a special place <3

This has been Amiya. Thank you for having me. Be kind, stay humble, believe unicorn and eat alot of cotton candy. I love you all.

Continue to spread the love.

Jihanlife (amiya)

[calumcest]

i'm glad you're feeling better! and honestly i'm shook? i didn't even know you had that many career possibilities in other countries? like my brain automatically went from reading history and german (both truly great subjects btw) to lehramt.. honestly everything sucks about our education system and i'm sorry it's constricting your plans of moving here :( (pt1)

(pt2) though i can't understand why you'd want to leave london the literal best city in the whole entire world for germany like even with my very big love for berlin i just don't get it 🙈 (in case it isn't obvious: i love london with my entire heart) did you always live there? sendung mit der maus is truly quality tv :) did you end up rewatching it?

(pt3) your masters thesis sounds so interesting! i'd love to know more about it bc i only know a little bit about differences in gay rights between east and west but like next to nothing about how they handled hiv/aids and the influence of language is so fascinating too oh my god that made me crack up 😂 my mum grew up around hohenschönhausen 😅

(pt4) and yes exactly! like some jobs were treated so much more fairly and also what really surprised me was that according to my history teacher the east was actually a bit better/faster than the west in regards to womens rights (for example abortion was legal in the east earlier) okay so from your stories i definitely relate more to the british approach to criticism 😂 i can't tell people their ideas are shit bc i hate confrontation

(pt5) though i too was shooketh about how polite people in the uk are.. like just in a shop or sth everybody was always so nice it was weird 😅 so i get your mum's confusion. also i can't believe you apologise when someone bumps into you?? i mean this particular thing is sth i get very mad about bc i love my personal space but like just in general why do you apologise when it wasn't your fault? like yes i do apologise when i do it but if it's the other person's fault 😶

(pt6) yeah it definitely depends on the situation/person i think for practical reasons i say german first but try to mention berlin asap. aw thank you i appreciate it :) but oh my god i'm actually so sorry that happened to you, like while i love them for nostalgic reasons i agree that pfannkuchen(/berliner) can be so disgusting especially when you're expecting a crepe :( oh YES thank you so much i've been saying this exact thing for years!!

(pt7) like why do we need cases and genders when english works just fine without them? i don't wanna hear about genitiv ever again thank you very much. the correct plural is kakteen and kaktusse just sounds like a profanity and they went and made it an official possibility bc people kept saying it and ever since that i've hated duden with a passion. alex should definitely pay you for the promo & i've seen vegas mentioned on your blog a few times now so i'm gonna listen to it too :) -spoiler twin

thank u!! also i know right trying to explain that in germany was insanity they were like oh so ur working at a school bc u wanna become a teacher? :) and i was like absolutely not and they were like but u study history and german...SNDFJSNKDJF i think its insane that ur expected to choose your whole career path at the age of 18 though thats so stressful! 

omg have you been to london before? also i didnt but i did rewatch an old episode with my parents bc i reminded them about it and we were reminiscing and its STILL as good as i remember it being good old christoph and his green jumper

thank u!! god i dont actually know THAT much about the language yet bc i havent started researching but a few interesting points i’ve picked up are that 1. they always referred to drug users as ‘fixer/fixerinnen’ which is obviusly like...quite a politicised term when they had the option to say like drogenabhängige or sth 2. academics would constantly refer to ‘ansteckungsverdächtigen’ and the verdächtig in that is like...HMMM...not good 3. there was a medical panel held in 1987 in east berlin which used english terminology to describe sexual practices that carried increased risk of hiv transmission (e.g. fisting) and because lots of people didn’t speak english they weren’t actually being educated on what they should be avoiding/doing more safely SO!! theres a lot to look at i havent really started researching like i said i should though but theres already a lot of interseting things in there imo sorry this is probably super boring i just get very excited about it

oh absolutely!! it was because of necessity (the way the ecnomy was set up meant that they needed all available bodies working) but it meant that there were SO many more provisions especially childcare and you can still see that prevailing today theres a huge divide between east/west in terms of maternity leave and childcare 

omg SSNKDJFNKSJDFN honestly i have no idea we just do we literlaly apologise when we bump into lampposts its just an instinct bc u assume that its your fault bc you were in the way so u need to apologise for it but once the kids in germany started being like why the fuck are you apologising i had to physically stop myself apologising SKJDFNSJNDF

thats fair enough go di miss berlin so much i’m so desperate to go back theres stll so many things i havent seen bc ive never stayed longer than a week and its such a rich city you need more time to explore it i miss it so much lord take me back to the alexanderplatz galeria restaurant so i can eat overpriced schnitzel <3 whats your favourite german food? i have to say for me personally linsen & spätzle and maultaschen (my oma is swabian) for nostalgic purposes but marmorkuchen...schnitzel...bratwurst...klöße...weißwurst...brezel...lebkuchen...kaiserschmarrn...plätzchen...theres these lovely plätzchen my mum makes at xmas wait let me ask her what theyre claled i cant describe them. ok apparently theyre just schokoladenplätzchen ‘aber ich hab ein besonderes rezept von der ur-oma ha ha ha!!!!!!!’ (direct quote) GOD now i am desperate to go back to germany we cant get ANY good food here i swear to god . oh you know what i really love as well german junk food god you do junk food like nobody else the chocolate aisle in rewe <3 <3 <3 i miss the ja! chocolate chunk cookies so much

CORRECT i hate cases so much i’m so bad at them i still have no idea if its dem or den half the time how does it make a DIFFERENCE...also correct but the genitiv is dying anyway as we keep being told by our lecturers Der Dativ Ist Dem Genitiv Sein Tod <3 kakteen is a very intersting prospect i never considered that but the more i think about it the more i agree also kaktusse DOES sound like profanity but german swear words just arent that great anyway like fick please that upsets me so much ALSO i hope u enjoyed vegas!